Tuesday, 21 October 2008

The One Wonder Meme

Regular readers may remember Craig, whose mix tape for his friend Becky was reviewed last month. His obvious attempts to get her to see him as more than a friend were roundly dismissed in this blog, and it is highly unsurprising that while she still sees him as a pal, she is still completely oblivious to his lust for her.

In her blog earlier this week, Becky tagged several people with the One Wonders meme, in which bloggers must respond to single-word prompts about their likes and preferences. Craig was one of the people tagged, and I’ve decided to have a look at his responses with this critical eye I’m so fond of using. Let’s have a look, shall we?

Unsurprisingly, Craig begins very poorly in his responses, wasting no time in making terrible attempts to impress the object of his affections. For the first word, ‘Clothes’, Craig answers as follows: “Obviously, Calvin Briefs, lol! Seriously though, whatever’s comfortable…jeans and a band t-shirt usually.”

This mention of his underwear in the first question is Craig’s attempt to get Becky to picture him as a Calvin Klein model, standing before her in his briefs with his massive package looming and his washboard abs glistening in the morning sunlight. But really, it comes across as desperate and embarrassing, despite his attempts afterwards to answer seriously.

For the second word, ‘Furniture’, Craig quite obviously tries to look like a metrosexual guy in touch with his inner interior designer. He pulls non-existent furniture brand names out of his ass, saying things like ‘I’m a big fan of Gabsack futons’ and ‘If I could afford one, I’d get a Dipthong lamp’. A cursory Google search will show that this is fibbery of the highest order, and Craig ought to do some research if he wants to impress Becky with his furniture knowledge.

Craig’s answers are all so incredibly self-conscious, so obviously done with Becky in mind, that when reading his blog it feels like stumbling across a poorly-written love letter in meme form. And it’s so confused: For the ‘City’ question, he writes about his love of the ‘beauty of the cherry blossoms in Washington’ like a big girl, but in the next question, ‘Drink’, he attempts to make himself look manly by bragging about how many pina coladas he can slam.

Then we get to the pop culture questions, where we see what Craig’s favourite music, TV series and films are. In order to show off his vast knowledge of every band, movie and show out there, Craig lists about nine hundred of each. If Becky is anything like I am, she’ll have glossed over this entire section altogether, pausing only to note with a bored shrug that the poor dickhead likes Massive Attack and Harvey Birdman.

Craig is so eager to look like a suitable boyfriend for Becky that for the next question he claims to work out three times a week, but doesn’t specify how. I was tempted to leave a comment on his blog that said “wanking doesn’t count as a workout, dickhead”, but I thought better of it, as I don’t like mocking the afflicted too much.

For the final two words, ‘pastries’ and ‘coffee’, Craig blatantly copies what Becky wrote, in a vain attempt to seem more compatible with her. He even mentions it at the end of his post, pretending to be surprised by how much they have in common. I’ve seen better acting in a nativity play at a school for hearing-impaired children.

Once again, Craig has managed to embarrass himself tremendously with his awful attempts to woo the lovely Becky. His responses to the One Wonder Meme on his blog were very poor, and he’ll have to up his game if he’s going to be within a shout of getting his friend to play Hide the Sausage.

Thanks to Suze for tagging me with this meme. In case you’re wondering, my responses are: Jeans & T-shirt, Papasan chair, brownies, Kyoto, Scotch whisky (preferably from Islay), Mogwai, Pushing Daisies, Amelie, Walking 6k to and from work every day, Cornish Pasties, and black with sugar.


Red said...

Poor Craig. How he does try.

And I see by your responses you are specifically trying to impress me, TIR. Sorry. No dice.

Red said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gwen said...

Wanking doesn't count as a workout? Well, shit.

Anonymous said...

Craig - he'll get the girl some day.

Dale said...

That Craig needs to make a new list.

Anonymous said...

Well Craig is the man. I mean who can resist the lovely Becky? Grrrrowl. Tony wants to bounce her on his lap while purring "Who's Your Daddy now!"

Shit, did I say that out loud?

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Red: You're not impressed? Whaaa?

Gwen: I lied. It does, but you have to do it lots and lots and lots.

Suze: Over my cold, dead reviewing body!

Dale: B'dum tish!

Tony: Thanks. Lovely image.

Falwless said...

Craig is sort of hot.