The New iPhone Application from ThingFinder Inc.

Ever since I found an Apple iPhone on the subway I haven’t been able to put it down. There’s so much it can do, and even when the previous owner calls me with threats and vague promises of police action, I haven’t succumbed to the temptation of altruistically returning it. As well as the telephonic and Internetty capabilities, a great deal of third-party applications can be bought for the gizmo, the latest of which is an absolutely essential purchase.

Named after the patron saint of lost people and things, the application is snappily titled Jude, Where’s My Car Keys? Quite simply, having this software on your iPhone means that you will never lose another item again. Using a combination of spy satellites, x-ray surveillance technology and ex-KGB employees, ThingFinder, Inc., are aware of the location of every single thing in the world, and users are able to access this information through their iPhones.

I tested the Jude… software extensively, beginning with some simple requests. The layout is easy to navigate, with a host of options for advanced users. At the most basic level, one is presented with a screen not unlike a regular search engine, with the phrase “Jude, where’s my:” and a box for typing in a query. I began with “car keys,” and was informed within seconds that they were on the coffee table next to my copy of Changesbowie. Sure enough, there they were. A similar level of success was also had when I enquired as to the whereabouts of my passport (my underwear drawer, on the right side), my childhood teddy bear (my parents’ attic) and Jack Nicholson (the Denny’s on 34th Street).

Advanced settings allow even more refined searches in Jude, Where’s My Car Keys. For example, I changed the options to include both historical and non-physical items and searched for my virginity. The answer came back: “Last seen in the third pew of Our Lady’s Church, Shaftesbury, 1994.” This result, while painful for me to remember (and, presumably, for Father O’Brien to remember, as it is ultimately what led to his incarceration), is true.

The application certainly has some implications for personal safety and privacy, as well as the obvious national security concerns, but a very stringent and effective login system is used, meaning that it is very difficult for someone to hack into another person’s account. Also, certain requests do require an advanced-level Government account with the requisite clearances attached. Incidentally (on a related note), it’s nice to see that the programmers have a sense of humour; type in “Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction” and the result “Ha ha ha! Nice try, Monkey-Boy!” comes up. I am told that there are several other Easter eggs of this nature, but I haven’t been able to find them.

I can’t think of anyone for whom this program wouldn’t be a great help. As well as the simple assistance (who out there hasn’t misplaced their sandals at one point or another?), Jude… can help us learn about ourselves. For example, I asked it to find “my sense of self-respect and optimism”, and the following result came back: “taken by Now Toronto Magazine”. Outstanding.

All in all, this excellent program will make sure you never lose a single thing again. If you forget where you’re parked, where you put your cigarette lighter or where you last saw your childhood innocence, Jude, Where’s My Car Keys? will tell you. If you suspect your partner of infidelity, it will let you know where she is at any point. If someone steals your dog, you’ll be able to locate it without needing to bother the police. All in all, I can’t recommend this application enough. Go out and get it before I hit you.

Jude, Where’s my Car Keys v.1.0 is available from Monday, priced…Hey, wait a minute… has anyone seen my iPhone? I can’t find it anywhere….shit, it was here a second ago, I’m sure of it…

New Equipment Reviewed

I decided to break into an equipment show the night before it opened and ran out with as much stuff as I could fit into my wheelbarrow. Thanks to my thoughtfulness, dedication and crowbar, I have more stuff to review than the editor of Spam Lover Fortnightly.

First off, from Helix, comes the Shatterproof Girlfriend. Are you sick and tired of your girlfriend accidentally shattering while she’s cleaning windows or waving at geese? Then get a shatterproof one! I tried this girlfriend for several hours and I found it to be very resilient in normal usage. But please remember: Shatterproof is not a challenge.

The Home Photoshop Set from Adobe is a wonderful gift idea for anyone wishing to take advantage of the wonderful things that Photoshop can do, but who doesn’t have a computer. Consisting of some paper, glue and scissors, this kit will give anyone buckets of fun. I spent literally minutes cutting out a picture of Donald Trump’s head and sticking it on a picture of a man in a kilt. Saving your creations is simply a matter of putting them in a box in a cupboard.

Music-lovers will enjoy toying with the Bjork Voice Box Emulator. Speak into the special tube and press the ‘play’ button; the words you just said are repeated to you with squawks and strange gibbering noises. It also has several settings, allowing you to replicate her latter Bobby McFerrin phase, and comes with a small bag of spores. Coming soon: The Gordon Ramsey Voice Box Emulator, which adds a swear word to every other word you speak into it. Both should be highly popular come Christmas.

Apple’s latest creation is the iTree. Once you plant it in your garden it grows various different types of fruit, all of which are selectable by you. The iTree has various extras, including a vibrating hammock and a pleasing bird in its branches. There will also be a special iTree Store online in a few months, allowing iTree users to purchase items for the gadget, including new leaves, an owl and some moss. I liked my iTree, but found it to be incompatible with MS Garden, and it caused my hedge to crash.

Finally, Clatterwhack Industries have developed a Toast Clamp. This remarkable device holds a slice of toast at the sides, and allows you to rotate your breakfast bread by one hundred and eighty degrees. Why? you might ask. Well, I’ll tell you. By buttering both sides of your toast, if the slice falls off your plate towards the floor, the laws of physics that make the toast land buttered side down are thwarted. The piece of delicious crunchy satisfaction hovers an inch from the carpet, spinning around as the physics Gods try to decide which side must face down when landing. You can retrieve your breakfast at leisure and resolve to stop being so clumsy. An excellent invention.