Ever since I found an Apple iPhone on the subway I haven’t been able to put it down. There’s so much it can do, and even when the previous owner calls me with threats and vague promises of police action, I haven’t succumbed to the temptation of altruistically returning it. As well as the telephonic and Internetty capabilities, a great deal of third-party applications can be bought for the gizmo, the latest of which is an absolutely essential purchase.
Named after the patron saint of lost people and things, the application is snappily titled Jude, Where’s My Car Keys? Quite simply, having this software on your iPhone means that you will never lose another item again. Using a combination of spy satellites, x-ray surveillance technology and ex-KGB employees, ThingFinder, Inc., are aware of the location of every single thing in the world, and users are able to access this information through their iPhones.
I tested the Jude… software extensively, beginning with some simple requests. The layout is easy to navigate, with a host of options for advanced users. At the most basic level, one is presented with a screen not unlike a regular search engine, with the phrase “Jude, where’s my:” and a box for typing in a query. I began with “car keys,” and was informed within seconds that they were on the coffee table next to my copy of Changesbowie. Sure enough, there they were. A similar level of success was also had when I enquired as to the whereabouts of my passport (my underwear drawer, on the right side), my childhood teddy bear (my parents’ attic) and Jack Nicholson (the Denny’s on 34th Street).
Advanced settings allow even more refined searches in Jude, Where’s My Car Keys. For example, I changed the options to include both historical and non-physical items and searched for my virginity. The answer came back: “Last seen in the third pew of Our Lady’s Church, Shaftesbury, 1994.” This result, while painful for me to remember (and, presumably, for Father O’Brien to remember, as it is ultimately what led to his incarceration), is true.
The application certainly has some implications for personal safety and privacy, as well as the obvious national security concerns, but a very stringent and effective login system is used, meaning that it is very difficult for someone to hack into another person’s account. Also, certain requests do require an advanced-level Government account with the requisite clearances attached. Incidentally (on a related note), it’s nice to see that the programmers have a sense of humour; type in “Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction” and the result “Ha ha ha! Nice try, Monkey-Boy!” comes up. I am told that there are several other Easter eggs of this nature, but I haven’t been able to find them.
I can’t think of anyone for whom this program wouldn’t be a great help. As well as the simple assistance (who out there hasn’t misplaced their sandals at one point or another?), Jude… can help us learn about ourselves. For example, I asked it to find “my sense of self-respect and optimism”, and the following result came back: “taken by Now Toronto Magazine”. Outstanding.
All in all, this excellent program will make sure you never lose a single thing again. If you forget where you’re parked, where you put your cigarette lighter or where you last saw your childhood innocence, Jude, Where’s My Car Keys? will tell you. If you suspect your partner of infidelity, it will let you know where she is at any point. If someone steals your dog, you’ll be able to locate it without needing to bother the police. All in all, I can’t recommend this application enough. Go out and get it before I hit you.
Jude, Where’s my Car Keys v.1.0 is available from Monday, priced…Hey, wait a minute… has anyone seen my iPhone? I can’t find it anywhere….shit, it was here a second ago, I’m sure of it…
Showing posts with label software review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label software review. Show all posts
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
Monday, 16 June 2008
New Computer Software Reviews
Computers are becoming an integral part of our lives, whether for booking hotel reservations, compiling lists of our most memorable self-love sessions or stealing music. Every day, loads of new software is being developed by human beings who are, for the most part, just like you and me, only they get less sun. I’ve been installing, defragging and gigabiting two of the latest utilities for your PC (or, if you’re a bit swish, Mac).
Chat-Room Acronym Accuracy Protector (CRAAP) from Bug-Byte Software is a great tool for parents and anyone who is afraid they may be turning into a twat. Running permanently in the background of your computer, CRAAP activates when you type words such as, for example, “LOL”. Using advanced voice-recognition software and a microphone, it then determines whether you are actually laughing out loud; if you are not, you receive an electric shock via your mouse. Typing “ROFL” while not actually rolling on the floor laughing prompts the software to give you an electric shock large enough to make you roll on the floor in pain.
I really enjoyed using this software, as the constant fear of shocks has given me and my family a Pavlovian aversion to text and chat-room speak. Watching my son Monty writhe on the floor during a game of Counter Strike gave me such a buzz, knowing that his vocabulary wasn’t going to suffer any more. The buzz that Monty received wasn’t as pleasant.
CRAAP v 2.1 will be released next year. It will have an optional LOLCATS add-on and will render anyone who says “WTF” out loud sterile using radiation.
Cameron Diaz Software have just finished beta-testing their MS Office Paperclip Toolbox Helper. Microsoft Word aficionados will have a lot of fun with this kit. Once the program is installed, the Office Helper becomes even more helpful and interactive. According to the programmers, with their software the Paperclip will now have an IQ of 14, up from [negligible], an increase of almost infinity.
To test the software, I began typing a letter, beginning with the phrase “By the time you read this letter, I will be dead.” Almost instantaneously, the paperclip popped up and told me that it looked like I was writing a suicide note, and asked if I needed any help. When I clicked ‘yes’ the little bastard started calling me worthless and telling me that “they’d all be better off” without me. To be honest, this wasn’t the help I was looking for, though had I been truly suicidal I probably really would have topped myself.
While typing out a shopping list, the Paperclip offered his help, and when I accepted he told me that I was almost out of soy milk. This is an invaluable aid to future MS Word-assisted shopping lists, and I don’t know how I managed to write them out before! I probably had to examine the contents of my kitchen, but who has time for that, these days?
The best feature of the software, however, is the one that allows you to torture the Office Assistant to death. For many Word users, simply switching off the Paperclip (or Einstein, Dog, Cat, etc) is somewhat lacking in satisfaction. The MSOPTH has literally hundreds of painful and terrifying punishments for the Office Assistants, with the option of killing them and preventing them from ever coming back. My favourites include the garroting, burning at the stake (Einstein’s screams for mercy really brightened my morning) and death by falling Rosie O’Donnell. Superb. My only concern was that there aren’t enough Office Assistants to torture!
Both of these programs are available from their respective websites for a fee, or for free if you lack scruples. If you like what you read here today, please consider giving me a donation by PayPal. Thank you.
Chat-Room Acronym Accuracy Protector (CRAAP) from Bug-Byte Software is a great tool for parents and anyone who is afraid they may be turning into a twat. Running permanently in the background of your computer, CRAAP activates when you type words such as, for example, “LOL”. Using advanced voice-recognition software and a microphone, it then determines whether you are actually laughing out loud; if you are not, you receive an electric shock via your mouse. Typing “ROFL” while not actually rolling on the floor laughing prompts the software to give you an electric shock large enough to make you roll on the floor in pain.
I really enjoyed using this software, as the constant fear of shocks has given me and my family a Pavlovian aversion to text and chat-room speak. Watching my son Monty writhe on the floor during a game of Counter Strike gave me such a buzz, knowing that his vocabulary wasn’t going to suffer any more. The buzz that Monty received wasn’t as pleasant.
CRAAP v 2.1 will be released next year. It will have an optional LOLCATS add-on and will render anyone who says “WTF” out loud sterile using radiation.
Cameron Diaz Software have just finished beta-testing their MS Office Paperclip Toolbox Helper. Microsoft Word aficionados will have a lot of fun with this kit. Once the program is installed, the Office Helper becomes even more helpful and interactive. According to the programmers, with their software the Paperclip will now have an IQ of 14, up from [negligible], an increase of almost infinity.
To test the software, I began typing a letter, beginning with the phrase “By the time you read this letter, I will be dead.” Almost instantaneously, the paperclip popped up and told me that it looked like I was writing a suicide note, and asked if I needed any help. When I clicked ‘yes’ the little bastard started calling me worthless and telling me that “they’d all be better off” without me. To be honest, this wasn’t the help I was looking for, though had I been truly suicidal I probably really would have topped myself.
While typing out a shopping list, the Paperclip offered his help, and when I accepted he told me that I was almost out of soy milk. This is an invaluable aid to future MS Word-assisted shopping lists, and I don’t know how I managed to write them out before! I probably had to examine the contents of my kitchen, but who has time for that, these days?
The best feature of the software, however, is the one that allows you to torture the Office Assistant to death. For many Word users, simply switching off the Paperclip (or Einstein, Dog, Cat, etc) is somewhat lacking in satisfaction. The MSOPTH has literally hundreds of painful and terrifying punishments for the Office Assistants, with the option of killing them and preventing them from ever coming back. My favourites include the garroting, burning at the stake (Einstein’s screams for mercy really brightened my morning) and death by falling Rosie O’Donnell. Superb. My only concern was that there aren’t enough Office Assistants to torture!
Both of these programs are available from their respective websites for a fee, or for free if you lack scruples. If you like what you read here today, please consider giving me a donation by PayPal. Thank you.
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