Friday 16 May 2008

New Equipment Reviewed

I decided to break into an equipment show the night before it opened and ran out with as much stuff as I could fit into my wheelbarrow. Thanks to my thoughtfulness, dedication and crowbar, I have more stuff to review than the editor of Spam Lover Fortnightly.

First off, from Helix, comes the Shatterproof Girlfriend. Are you sick and tired of your girlfriend accidentally shattering while she’s cleaning windows or waving at geese? Then get a shatterproof one! I tried this girlfriend for several hours and I found it to be very resilient in normal usage. But please remember: Shatterproof is not a challenge.

The Home Photoshop Set from Adobe is a wonderful gift idea for anyone wishing to take advantage of the wonderful things that Photoshop can do, but who doesn’t have a computer. Consisting of some paper, glue and scissors, this kit will give anyone buckets of fun. I spent literally minutes cutting out a picture of Donald Trump’s head and sticking it on a picture of a man in a kilt. Saving your creations is simply a matter of putting them in a box in a cupboard.

Music-lovers will enjoy toying with the Bjork Voice Box Emulator. Speak into the special tube and press the ‘play’ button; the words you just said are repeated to you with squawks and strange gibbering noises. It also has several settings, allowing you to replicate her latter Bobby McFerrin phase, and comes with a small bag of spores. Coming soon: The Gordon Ramsey Voice Box Emulator, which adds a swear word to every other word you speak into it. Both should be highly popular come Christmas.

Apple’s latest creation is the iTree. Once you plant it in your garden it grows various different types of fruit, all of which are selectable by you. The iTree has various extras, including a vibrating hammock and a pleasing bird in its branches. There will also be a special iTree Store online in a few months, allowing iTree users to purchase items for the gadget, including new leaves, an owl and some moss. I liked my iTree, but found it to be incompatible with MS Garden, and it caused my hedge to crash.

Finally, Clatterwhack Industries have developed a Toast Clamp. This remarkable device holds a slice of toast at the sides, and allows you to rotate your breakfast bread by one hundred and eighty degrees. Why? you might ask. Well, I’ll tell you. By buttering both sides of your toast, if the slice falls off your plate towards the floor, the laws of physics that make the toast land buttered side down are thwarted. The piece of delicious crunchy satisfaction hovers an inch from the carpet, spinning around as the physics Gods try to decide which side must face down when landing. You can retrieve your breakfast at leisure and resolve to stop being so clumsy. An excellent invention.


Falwless said...

I'm putting the Home Photoshop Set on my wish list. Sounds like minutes of super fun.

Jillian said...

I developed a product similar to the toast clamp several years ago, however the marketing campaign sort of fell through and I never could make a go of it. My design allowed you to strap your buttered toast to the back of a cat. Since cats are required by the laws of physics to land on their feet and toast must land butter-side down, this design also left your toast hovering safely above the kitchen floor. There were some minor flaws however, which I am happy to see the folks over at Clatterwhack Industries have worked out nicely with the Toast Clamp. I couldn't guarantee, for example, that the cat wouldn't reach around and lick the buttered toast, which some consumers had a problem with. Also, I must admit, it is a difficult and clumsy task to eat toast that is stapped to the back of a cat.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Falwless: It is fun, but remember to always ask an adult for help when using scissors.

Jillian: I am certainly interested in the pracical considerations of such a venture, as I have done much research into the theoretical side of cat/toast gravity affectation. While current scientific consensus is that the cat and toast would hover, spinning (as with the doubley buttered variety), some factions argue that both cat and toast would collapse into themselves, causing a baked product-scented black hole. For more information, I recommend the monthly Journal of Gravitational Feline Studies.