Monday 12 May 2008

The Imaginary Reviewer Writes a Letter: Part 3

When I - unfathomably - failed to receive a reply to either of the two letters I sent to Now Toronto Magazine, I considered giving up. Every morning I would go downstairs to the mailbox, checking to see if the good people at Toronto's premiere listings magazine had responded. Once I had found nothing in my own letter box, I forced open my neighbours' letter boxes and found nothing but birthday cards, cheques and medical results, all of which I kept for sentimental reasons. I then started ambushing the mailman each morning, and was eventually forced to lock him up in my basement until he revealed the location of my mail. He was most uncooperative, but no matter. He is with God now.

And so, all this rejection started weighing heavily on my mind. What if the good people at the magazine were not interested in my services? What if they hadn't enjoyed my reviews? What if I wasn't good enough? What if I sucked?

I quickly came round from this delusional state, and realised that both of my previous letters must have been undelivered, due to the problems inherent in Canada's postal service (not least their shortage of delivery persons, caused by a spate of mailman abductions in my area). I wrote another letter, addressing it to another member of the Now Toronto staff, and made sure I used my best handwriting on the address. I will not be deterred!

As before, if you click it, it will be legible.


p0nk said...

"...sad like a man who had just caught his son masturbating to Fox News"

I thought i had known sadness until just a couple minutes ago.

Falwless said...

I love it. I have absolutely no idea why these people are not writing back. Are you making sure to spritz the letters with your best cologne?

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

P0nk: I wept openly (like a sore) when I typed those words.

Falwless: Even better than that! I rubbed the envelope all over my luscious body, getting it nice and pheromoney. I share your befuzzlement.