Friday, 9 May 2008

DVD Review: The Golden Rump-Ass

I came to The Golden Rump-Ass having heard absolutely nothing about it beforehand. It would seem that the production company (Fancifully Handful Video) did absolutely no marketing through the usual channels, a move that I find somewhat puzzling. Of course, I could be looking in the wrong places, but I watched this movie with no preconceived ideas about it whatsoever. Perhaps this is an advantage.

The director of The Golden Rump-Ass, the enigmatically named Oliver Klozoff, appears to have been at the helm of a large number of films in his impressive career. Despite the fact that I have seen precisely none of the movies listed as directed by him, the sheer prolificacy of the man impresses me a great deal. Similarly, none of the stars of this film are recognisable to me, but seem to have had parts in many movies. I imagine they were all small, independent releases.

The story, in summary, goes as follows: Lyra, a young lady (played by Hilary Muff), has to find her way to the arctic, guided by the advice and wisdom emanating from her own rear end (the Golden Rump-Ass in the title). Along the way she meets various interesting characters, and Lyra interacts with them in a somewhat surprising way. She has sex with them.

This is, I believe, the first major problem with the movie. While a sex scene can improve a film (when it is done tastefully and doesn’t affect the pacing of the storyline), here I found that the many scenes of coitus were just tacked on, and did very little for the plot. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why Klozoff had chosen to include them all in the film. I would watch the story unfold, enjoying the advancement of the plot, but then my concentration would be interrupted by a poorly-scripted genital interaction between Lyra and, for example, a giant talking bear. It really did the story no favours, and I am at a loss as to why all these sex scenes were added to the movie.

But yet, while the film did annoy me for the director’s unfathomable insistence on including an instance of lovemaking every ten minutes, I seemed to gather a subtle message from the Mister Klozoff (who also wrote the screenplay, such is his untapped genius). “Don’t try to read too much into the film,” he seemed to be saying as the fourth instance of girl-on-girl action began with the intertwining of groins, “just enjoy the lush interplay of light and shadow on this woman’s ample breast.” As Freud once said, “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Here, sometimes an arse is just an arse.

And as I watched more and more of The Golden Rump-Ass, I started to see homages and influences everywhere. I was made to think of the films of Kenji Mizoguchi, with the delightfully brief interplay between characters before they realised their passion for each other. The director’s focus on the eponymous rear end reminded me of Kandisky’s paintings of circles, with sleek curves rippling in front of the camera like a ramekin of jelly on a turbulent plane.

My second complaint about the film is that the male actors seem woefully incompetent. The acting skills of Bobby Dazzler and Jake Intercourse were almost non-existent; it almost seems as if these cast members were cast because of their members (which were large to the point of frightening). When watching any of the men onscreen, I couldn’t help thinking to myself how much better the scene would have been if someone like Hugh Jackman or George Clooney was in it. But I guess that’s personal taste, and I doubt whether these actors even knew about The Golden Rump-Ass.

All in all, I will give this DVD four stars out of five. The story is well-written, the acting (from the female side of the cast) is good, and there’s enough exciting action to satisfy anyone’s needs. Look out for Oliver Klozoff’s forthcoming picture, which will be released next month, called I am Sexy Legend.

The Golden Rump-Ass was released (hur hur) on Monday. Philip Pullman is weeping somewhere right now.

1 comment:

Falwless said...

Try The Golden Rump Ass 3 or even The Golden Rump-Ass 8. Both of them were far superior to the original. But I agree, sometimes it seemed like the sex broke out without regard to the plot. Disappointing.