The Imaginary Review Holiday Gift Review Series, Part 2: Presents for your Favourite Deity

The Holiday season can be a difficult time for deities, creation myth figureheads and invisible sky beings. With so many people paying attention to Christmas, a lot of religious icons feel understandably left out; add this to the Seasonal Affective Disorder and many of them can get quite upset during December. It’s not much better for Jesus, either. Sure, He’s getting all the attention, but with His birthday falling squarely on Christmas Day He can’t help but feel that He’s only getting half as many presents as all the other boys and girls in Heaven.

With this in mind, many of us dread the possibility of getting a God or Godlike figure as a recipient in a Secret Santa gift exchange. Just what does one get for the omnipotent and omniscient creator who has everything? The new Hives CD? Hardly (Though Shiva is said to be fond of the Scandinavian rockers, She probably has all their stuff already). Today I’ll talk you through some of the best new gift ideas for deities.

Despite being all-knowing and all-seeing, many Gods find it difficult to keep track of all Their creations. With so many humans, animals and inanimate objects to look after, it’s often difficult to remember who to smite and who to blind with the power of Your glory. That’s where the new Microsoft DeityBase comes in. It’s a special new database for creators of worlds, with files for humans (believers and non-believers), animals and even rocks and trees. There are hundreds of useful reports and queries, so one can tell easily how many gays are getting married each day, with handy pivot tables showing how many heterosexual marriages are being undermined as a result.

The best thing about MS DeityBase is that it is compatible with many other Microsoft Divinity Software applications, such as PowerSmite and Word (Omen Edition). Using the information held within DeityBase, it’s now easier than ever to command an unhinged loner to kill them, kill them all, kill them all with spoons!


We all know what happens when a God is offended. There are plagues, maidens are tricked into bestial relationships, and things can get very damp for everything not atop Mount Ararat. That’s why buying clothes for a deity is big no-no. The consequences of getting something unflattering or in the wrong size can be huge. So why risk buying apparel when you can get something much better: a wardrobe makeover with Hephabulus, God of Fashion and presenter of hit TV show How to Look Good Sacred?

Yes, for one day, Hephabulus will come to the deity of your choice’s house (or temple), throw out all those ghastly togas and robes, and help them choose some great new looks! Even a plus size supernatural entity (I’m looking at you, Buddha!) can find stylish new clothes with Hephabulus, so there’s no excuse!


Anyone looking for an awesome stocking stuffer for their favourite deity can do a lot worse than checking out fitforaGod.com, the new online gadget and gizmo store for Holy Beings. From ‘Wandering Jew’ GPS systems to Flying Spaghetti Monster plush toys, there’s something for every non-corporeal postulated Creator. My personal favourite is the Intelligent Design Space Monkey set: watch the little creatures grow before your eyes, then use your powers to make them evolve! (Irreducible complexity not included)

So there you have it. A wealth of gifts for the deity in your life, and not a Richard Dawkins book among them. Of course, if you’re really stuck, you could always sacrifice a sheep. Some Gods really go for that.

The Imaginary Review Holiday Gift Review Series, Part 1: Presents for your Favourite Drug Addict

With the festive season now approaching at breakneck speed, the need to buy presents is more pressing than a six ton steam iron. And while it’s easy to get fun, meaningful gifts for little Jimmy or Uncle Ted, what about the people who are a little harder to shop for? Well, have no fear! This Christmas, The Imaginary Reviewer has been investigating the best presents for those people in your life who are a little tricky to buy for. Today it’s Part 1, with everything you need for that special drug addict. Just follow my advice, and you too can spread seasonal cheer to the family smackhead!

One of the best presents this year is the new KraQ line of luxury crack pipes from Nematode Gifts. Available in a range of colours and styles, your druggie friend will be the envy of everyone at the pawn shop with the Thoroughbred model, which features streamlined sinew detailing on the bodywork. The Marquis model comes in a dignified steel grey colour, and has go-faster stripes for better intake capacity. My personal favourite, though, is the Sensationale, which is ribbed for her pleasure.

If you’re buying a gift for a junkie who is trying to quit, a great stocking filler is the Russian Roulette Smack Pack. Sold in an attractive wooden cigar case, this gift consists of six identical small needles, five of which contain a wonderful dose of the finest quality heroin, just waiting to be injected into a nearby arm, leg, neck or eyeball. The remaining needle, however, contains a potent poison that will give the injectee as painful a death as it is possible to imagine. But which one is it? Recovering addicts will have lots of itchy, shivering fun trying to resist the call of the Smack Pack. It’s also great fun at parties. Available from Harrods and Bob’s Quality Things Emporium.

Nothing says ‘class’ more than a good snort of cocaine. Unless, that is, it’s a good snort of cocaine using the new Cavendish-Thwakbulb Bone China Cocaine Snorting Contraption. Made from the finest bone china and with a handsome display case, this really does beat a rolled up banknote. Indeed, the people at Cavendish-Thwakbulb claim that snorting the white stuff with their contraption can prevent septum damage by a factor of several percentages. Oh, and it has a nice swirly pattern on it that goes ‘wheeeee’ when my eyes glide across the lines and lines and lines and lines and oh my God I just saw Scott Blackula like a magic eye picture did you see it did you see it did you see it?

Anyone who is looking to buy for a really finicky drug fiend could do a lot worse than getting one of the CIA’s new Laboratory Vouchers. Available in a range of denominations, the vouchers entitle the bearer to early access to whatever new and exciting population-suppressing drugs they create. It doesn’t matter if you’re neither poor nor an ethnic minority; whatever whacked-out addictive pillcrazy headmash the boffins at the CIA can come up with, you’ll get it first. Be the first in your neighbourhood to try the next crack, smack or magic monkey juice!

Well, if you can’t provide Christmas cheer for your favourite hopeless prescription-stealing meth poppet from that selection, you’re just not trying hard enough! [Insert ‘cold turkey/Christmas dinner’ joke here. Ha ha ah ha ha ha! Alternatively, just leave the punchline and let the idiots make up their own damn setup]

Next time: Stuck for a gift for that special deity or God figure? Look no further than The Imaginary Review!

New Toy Review: Baby Sweetcheeks

Christmas is approaching like an angry neighbour with a golf club, threatening to kill us if we don’t stop playing our German Hi-Octane Gabba Music at four a.m. As the temperature drops, children’s thoughts turn to running down the stairs on Christmas morning to see if jolly old Saint Nick has been to visit. And what could be more seasonal than having to explain to one’s bright-eyed children that Santa won’t be able to visit this year because Daddy lost his job and Mummy has to turn tricks in order to stop the house from being repossessed?

But for those of us unaffected by the recent economic shitslide, toy manufacturers are releasing some excellent new playthings to help us truly celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ (who died, for his sins).

One such new toy is Baby Sweetcheeks, a doll made by APL Toys. The company claim that this is the most realistic toy child ever created, a viewpoint with which I wholeheartedly agree. For a start, when buying this doll, the purchaser is not allowed to take it home from the store. Instead, the buyer pays for it, gives their home address to the cashier, and the doll is abandoned on their doorstep at a later date. When I got my special pre-release Baby Sweetcheeks doll in this manner it was very traumatic for my partner; she had no idea that a neonate would be delivered by this method, and she suspected for some time that I had fathered a bastard offspring that was now coming back to haunt me.

Baby Sweetcheeks is powered by some very advanced technology that means she must be fed on a regular basis, just like a real child. Failure to do this activates a small beacon in the toy, and APL employees will come and confiscate the doll from its owner. Obviously, this can be somewhat traumatic for a small child, but not as traumatic as the subsequent mock trial they are forced to endure, in which they are accused of neglecting their baby.

Thankfully, none of this happened to me while I possessed the toy, as I managed to bottle-feed it throughout the reviewing time. Incidentally, bottle-feeding is now the only way of feeding the Baby Sweetcheeks dolls; the prototype versions that could also be breastfed were shelved after an outcry from consumer groups, children’s charities and Mormons.

All of this should give you some idea of quite how realistic Baby Sweetcheeks is, while at the same time conveying how unpleasant that makes the toy. Add to that the crying: the incessant sobbing at night, during the day, before feeding, during feeding, after feeding, after taking it for its shots - and don’t get me started on that one - when out in the stroller…all like the sound of Hell itself emanating from a plastic child-shaped shell. Then, when one has recovered from this ear-splitting hellwail of Beelzebub, there’s the never ending stream of shit that pours forth from her prosthetic arse-hole. Seriously, this child spouts more crap than Bill O’Reilly. Oh, and if you’re worried that the bodily fluids end there, stop where you are: Shit. Piss. Vomit. It’s all there to ‘enjoy’.

So, in conclusion, while APL Toys are to be commended for developing such a realistic doll, they seem to have forgotten the most important aspect of toy ownership, and that is that the toy itself must be fun. Baby Sweetcheeks is so much like the real thing, nobody in their right mind is going to want it. It’s practically no different to having a baby of one’s own, and everybody knows that the best thing about babies is making them.

Baby Sweetcheeks, made by the Abstinence Promotion League, is available from all good toy stores and several crap ones. Puke refills sold separately.