The Imaginary Review Holiday Gift Review Series, Part 1: Presents for your Favourite Drug Addict

With the festive season now approaching at breakneck speed, the need to buy presents is more pressing than a six ton steam iron. And while it’s easy to get fun, meaningful gifts for little Jimmy or Uncle Ted, what about the people who are a little harder to shop for? Well, have no fear! This Christmas, The Imaginary Reviewer has been investigating the best presents for those people in your life who are a little tricky to buy for. Today it’s Part 1, with everything you need for that special drug addict. Just follow my advice, and you too can spread seasonal cheer to the family smackhead!

One of the best presents this year is the new KraQ line of luxury crack pipes from Nematode Gifts. Available in a range of colours and styles, your druggie friend will be the envy of everyone at the pawn shop with the Thoroughbred model, which features streamlined sinew detailing on the bodywork. The Marquis model comes in a dignified steel grey colour, and has go-faster stripes for better intake capacity. My personal favourite, though, is the Sensationale, which is ribbed for her pleasure.

If you’re buying a gift for a junkie who is trying to quit, a great stocking filler is the Russian Roulette Smack Pack. Sold in an attractive wooden cigar case, this gift consists of six identical small needles, five of which contain a wonderful dose of the finest quality heroin, just waiting to be injected into a nearby arm, leg, neck or eyeball. The remaining needle, however, contains a potent poison that will give the injectee as painful a death as it is possible to imagine. But which one is it? Recovering addicts will have lots of itchy, shivering fun trying to resist the call of the Smack Pack. It’s also great fun at parties. Available from Harrods and Bob’s Quality Things Emporium.

Nothing says ‘class’ more than a good snort of cocaine. Unless, that is, it’s a good snort of cocaine using the new Cavendish-Thwakbulb Bone China Cocaine Snorting Contraption. Made from the finest bone china and with a handsome display case, this really does beat a rolled up banknote. Indeed, the people at Cavendish-Thwakbulb claim that snorting the white stuff with their contraption can prevent septum damage by a factor of several percentages. Oh, and it has a nice swirly pattern on it that goes ‘wheeeee’ when my eyes glide across the lines and lines and lines and lines and oh my God I just saw Scott Blackula like a magic eye picture did you see it did you see it did you see it?

Anyone who is looking to buy for a really finicky drug fiend could do a lot worse than getting one of the CIA’s new Laboratory Vouchers. Available in a range of denominations, the vouchers entitle the bearer to early access to whatever new and exciting population-suppressing drugs they create. It doesn’t matter if you’re neither poor nor an ethnic minority; whatever whacked-out addictive pillcrazy headmash the boffins at the CIA can come up with, you’ll get it first. Be the first in your neighbourhood to try the next crack, smack or magic monkey juice!

Well, if you can’t provide Christmas cheer for your favourite hopeless prescription-stealing meth poppet from that selection, you’re just not trying hard enough! [Insert ‘cold turkey/Christmas dinner’ joke here. Ha ha ah ha ha ha! Alternatively, just leave the punchline and let the idiots make up their own damn setup]

Next time: Stuck for a gift for that special deity or God figure? Look no further than The Imaginary Review!

Gourmet Flour Round-Up

The latest craze that’s hardening the cocks of top chefs everywhere is gourmet flour. While it’s possible to make decent cakes and pastries using bog-standard supermarket self-raising or all-purpose, no self-respecting Michelin-starred cook would be seen dead with a bag of Hovis on their shelf. The Imaginary Review decided to give you the dilly-o on the newest bags of overpriced cookery powder.

Bratislavan Dilmouse Flour is available at the Shitfor Deli in Highgate. The Bratislavan dilmouse is a small shrew-like creature that secretes a fine powdery substance after coitus. This powder, believed to have magical properties, is gathered by children and added to flour and sold to idiots in overpriced shops. The flour, priced at £23.99 per cubit, has a slight tangy quality, like a collection of lemon rinds swimming for freedom in a castle moat made of Fanta. There’s an almost pungent aftertaste with inklings of peat, almond nuttiness and despair.

The Sennopod Bakery in Greater Mavisham has obtained a crate of Tinkerbell Plumrose Flour. Made in 1932 by the Microsoft Corporation (before they turned their attention to computers and evil), the antique flour has traces of black forest ham in the nose, with a swilling of aromatic rosemary on the tongue. When added to pastry, this flour makes sweet pies savoury, but not vice-versa. £210 per furlong.

Steven Denman’s Topical Yeast has nanobot-sized time capsules added to it. While not affecting the taste in any way, eating anything containing this yeast has the effect of causing feelings of nostalgia when it is pooed out. Two and ha’penny a bag, from Waitrose.

Fresh from South America, Columbian Sniffing Flour is available from a man who hangs around the end of my street. Adding this flour (in small quantities, mind!) to any food creates feelings of intense confidence and swirly glee. Thirty quid a bag.