Imaginary Drug Testing

Firstly, thanks to everyone who sent me messages of goodwill last week with regard to my unfortunate malady. The silver lining at the end of this cloud of roomspinny earbuzz is that while in the doctor’s office I was able to avail myself of some prescription forms without being caught. Like a child in a sweet shop I found myself able to try any drugs that the pharmacist had in stock, and so I picked the most interesting ones and have my findings for you now.

The first such medicine was Xexox Palatoxox, from Dimaxahat Chemicals. This didn’t do anything for the symptoms of my ear infection, sadly. But it did increase my sense of smell by a factor of about five million. I can now detect an unopened box of granola bars from within the next building and by smelling a person’s breath I can tell what they had for dinner before they’ve eaten it. Also if someone farts in my general proximity it affects me so much that I have to scrunch up my face to the extent that I look like a Star Trek alien. Apparently this drug is intended to treat eczema.

Peroxibucket Formaldehyppo was amazing for my problematic ear canal woes. When I took this drug all the pain and discomfort fell away; sadly, this was because I had lost all feeling in my head, face, neck and brain. I was able to walk and act normally, but I had no consciousness above my shoulders. As a result, I can only recommend this drug for anyone who wants to simulate being a host of E! Entertainment News.

The best drug in terms of flavour was Trioxybelieveitsnotbutteryoumoronsdiazemine. It tasted like strawberries mixed with sunshine and pep. I waited for it to have an effect on my wellbeing but when nothing happened after two hours I read the instructions and it turns out there was a mistake with my prescription and I’d been given Skittles instead. Brilliant!

Doctor Fforbes’s Ecstatic Medicine will make you forget your troubles and dance the afternoon away. After taking some of the pills, the ticking of the clock on the wall provided me with a highly effervescent rhythm and I was moved to perform the Jitterbug, the Charleston, the Mop-Shaker and both the Hootingale 2-step and 4-step, all in my own living room. After this I became quite dehydrated and was moved to imbibe some dandelion and burdock. What larks!

Finally, I should also mention the worst drug I prescribed myself. Nearoin is supposed to be as close to Heroin as it’s possible to get legally, but I found it to be nowhere as good as the real thing. In fact, after shooting up a vialful of this rancid stuff, I found myself craving the Vietnamese Horse-Downer that I’d had on my last jaunt to Asia. I’d write more about Nearoin right now but I’m mashed out of my skull on Morotgana.

The Imaginary Reviewer would like to remind his reader that winners don’t do drugs (and get caught).

The Imaginary Review Holiday Gift Review Series, Part 1: Presents for your Favourite Drug Addict

With the festive season now approaching at breakneck speed, the need to buy presents is more pressing than a six ton steam iron. And while it’s easy to get fun, meaningful gifts for little Jimmy or Uncle Ted, what about the people who are a little harder to shop for? Well, have no fear! This Christmas, The Imaginary Reviewer has been investigating the best presents for those people in your life who are a little tricky to buy for. Today it’s Part 1, with everything you need for that special drug addict. Just follow my advice, and you too can spread seasonal cheer to the family smackhead!

One of the best presents this year is the new KraQ line of luxury crack pipes from Nematode Gifts. Available in a range of colours and styles, your druggie friend will be the envy of everyone at the pawn shop with the Thoroughbred model, which features streamlined sinew detailing on the bodywork. The Marquis model comes in a dignified steel grey colour, and has go-faster stripes for better intake capacity. My personal favourite, though, is the Sensationale, which is ribbed for her pleasure.

If you’re buying a gift for a junkie who is trying to quit, a great stocking filler is the Russian Roulette Smack Pack. Sold in an attractive wooden cigar case, this gift consists of six identical small needles, five of which contain a wonderful dose of the finest quality heroin, just waiting to be injected into a nearby arm, leg, neck or eyeball. The remaining needle, however, contains a potent poison that will give the injectee as painful a death as it is possible to imagine. But which one is it? Recovering addicts will have lots of itchy, shivering fun trying to resist the call of the Smack Pack. It’s also great fun at parties. Available from Harrods and Bob’s Quality Things Emporium.

Nothing says ‘class’ more than a good snort of cocaine. Unless, that is, it’s a good snort of cocaine using the new Cavendish-Thwakbulb Bone China Cocaine Snorting Contraption. Made from the finest bone china and with a handsome display case, this really does beat a rolled up banknote. Indeed, the people at Cavendish-Thwakbulb claim that snorting the white stuff with their contraption can prevent septum damage by a factor of several percentages. Oh, and it has a nice swirly pattern on it that goes ‘wheeeee’ when my eyes glide across the lines and lines and lines and lines and oh my God I just saw Scott Blackula like a magic eye picture did you see it did you see it did you see it?

Anyone who is looking to buy for a really finicky drug fiend could do a lot worse than getting one of the CIA’s new Laboratory Vouchers. Available in a range of denominations, the vouchers entitle the bearer to early access to whatever new and exciting population-suppressing drugs they create. It doesn’t matter if you’re neither poor nor an ethnic minority; whatever whacked-out addictive pillcrazy headmash the boffins at the CIA can come up with, you’ll get it first. Be the first in your neighbourhood to try the next crack, smack or magic monkey juice!

Well, if you can’t provide Christmas cheer for your favourite hopeless prescription-stealing meth poppet from that selection, you’re just not trying hard enough! [Insert ‘cold turkey/Christmas dinner’ joke here. Ha ha ah ha ha ha! Alternatively, just leave the punchline and let the idiots make up their own damn setup]

Next time: Stuck for a gift for that special deity or God figure? Look no further than The Imaginary Review!