Last year was a great year for phobias, with the American Psychiatric Association releasing some excellent new ones. Some were so popular that they sold out immediately and there were riots all over the world and in France. Will this year’s phobias be as popular? God knows. And so will you, if you read on.
One of the best fears ever created by the smarty-panted boffins at the APA is Facebookhacksocialpariahphobia. This charmingly-titled irrational pant-shitter makes the sufferer totally terrified that their Facebook account will be hacked by an unscrupulous miscreant. This rotten scoundrel will then change their status update and write insulting wall posts to all their friends, making them an outcast with fewer than 200 chums and only memories of being superpoked.
When I tried this phobia I felt like I needed to constantly be in front of a computer to make sure I was logged in to Facebook, like some crazy square-eyed dipstick. When I was forced to be away from my desk I was terrified that someone would hack into my account and comment that a friend’s baby “looked like a dog-faced imp”. This fear made me steal someone’s chump trumpet so I could access the website through it. All in all, this is an excellent, highly effective phobia. Top marks.
Less successful is Sambeckettohboyphobia, the fear that hearing someone say “oh boy” will make you shift in time and space so that you occupy someone else’s body, only being able to move on once you’ve fixed some injustice in their life, and hoping that every leap will be the leap home. This phobia was pretty ineffective, as nobody says “oh boy” any more, except Buddy Holly, and he’s dead. No points.
Blogspeedphobia is the fear that once your blog gets more than 50 hits in a single day, it must never drop below 50 hits every day from then on, or it will explode. I found this to be an effective phobia, not least because Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock refused to return my calls asking them to spread the word about The Imaginary Review. In the end, to combat this phobia I had Dennis Hopper killed. Job done.
Finally, I am a big fan of Pornstarobitsadnessphobia. This is the fear that unrelated video footage of you crying your eyes out will be used in a news report of the death of a famous porn star. If you suffer from this phobia, you live in the fear that your friends and family will believe that some horny starlet’s premature demise will upset you so much that you will be openly weeping in the streets.
This phobia made me resolve to never again cry with a camera recording me, and forced me to destroy all my home video funeral footage. I also trembled each time a news anchor adopted the grave “death announcement” demeanour, scared that he would announce some glamour model’s tragic death. This is a brilliant phobia, full of layers and suspense, it gets two thumbs up from me.
The Imaginary Reviewer would like to remind you that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Oh, and snakes.
Showing posts with label Facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Facebook. Show all posts
Monday, 9 March 2009
Wednesday, 26 March 2008
Names!!
The most popular baby names of 2007 have been announced, and it seems that names ending in –aden are the most popular, with Aiden, Braden and Kaden making the top three and Jaden at seven. Further down the list are Dwaiden, Schmoraden and Ninja Gaiden.
To celebrate the fact that in several years time school roll-calls are going to sound like a campfire song, I’m reviewing what are certainly going to be the most popular names for newly breached humans in years to come.
Kumquat, Soybean, B’Nuffin: In the wake of such high-profile fruitily-named people like Peaches Geldof and Apple Martin (the daughter of Chris Martin and Steve Jobs), names based on fruit and food products are coming into fashion. The most popular is going to be Kumquat, which has already been used by several American politicians as the names for their offspring, and which goes well with the middle name Melony. Soybean is going to be very popular with wealthy middle class British people who read the Independent and buy boxes of organic nutmeg. B’Nuffin, a portmanteau word, combines ‘Banana muffin’ to make a splendid name for someone who likes baking. If you are unsure as to whether your neonate likes baking, simply buy them an apron, and see if they like wearing it.
Spider-Pig, Batman, Suitcase: A huge number of groups that have recently popped up on the Facebook website are in the style of “If 100,000 people join this group my wife will let us name our child ‘Spider-pig’”. While the sanity of the people behind these groups may be questioned, experts have estimated that as many as 60% of all children in the future may be named this way. Also, the same experts claim that by 2020, any child with a traditional name will be shunned and ridiculed in school by the other students (who will presumably have names like Mister Fantastic and Barbarella Matchstick), because the normally-named children’s didn’t have many Facebook friends. For this reason, giving you child a name like Iggy Pop Swanson or Crossword Jones is probably a good idea right now.
Daniel: Daniel is the worst name in the world. If you name your son Daniel he will turn into a wretched little shit who can’t count and who bullies other children. He will be an absolute loser who leaves school with no qualifications, having spent all his time picking on nice, quiet, sensitive boys who spend all their lunch breaks writing reviews. I hate Daniel.
To celebrate the fact that in several years time school roll-calls are going to sound like a campfire song, I’m reviewing what are certainly going to be the most popular names for newly breached humans in years to come.
Kumquat, Soybean, B’Nuffin: In the wake of such high-profile fruitily-named people like Peaches Geldof and Apple Martin (the daughter of Chris Martin and Steve Jobs), names based on fruit and food products are coming into fashion. The most popular is going to be Kumquat, which has already been used by several American politicians as the names for their offspring, and which goes well with the middle name Melony. Soybean is going to be very popular with wealthy middle class British people who read the Independent and buy boxes of organic nutmeg. B’Nuffin, a portmanteau word, combines ‘Banana muffin’ to make a splendid name for someone who likes baking. If you are unsure as to whether your neonate likes baking, simply buy them an apron, and see if they like wearing it.
Spider-Pig, Batman, Suitcase: A huge number of groups that have recently popped up on the Facebook website are in the style of “If 100,000 people join this group my wife will let us name our child ‘Spider-pig’”. While the sanity of the people behind these groups may be questioned, experts have estimated that as many as 60% of all children in the future may be named this way. Also, the same experts claim that by 2020, any child with a traditional name will be shunned and ridiculed in school by the other students (who will presumably have names like Mister Fantastic and Barbarella Matchstick), because the normally-named children’s didn’t have many Facebook friends. For this reason, giving you child a name like Iggy Pop Swanson or Crossword Jones is probably a good idea right now.
Daniel: Daniel is the worst name in the world. If you name your son Daniel he will turn into a wretched little shit who can’t count and who bullies other children. He will be an absolute loser who leaves school with no qualifications, having spent all his time picking on nice, quiet, sensitive boys who spend all their lunch breaks writing reviews. I hate Daniel.
Sunday, 27 January 2008
Special Imaginary Letters Page!!
Since The Imaginary Review was nominated for three prestigious awards last week, I now have a fan club on Facebook! While I don’t have an account of my own (I’m opposed to social networking for sexual reasons), my biggest fan, close friend and Superman to my Clark Kent, Philip Smith, decided to start up the group. At last count its members totalled double figures, which is great news!
So what with the awards and the fan club, I’ve had to hire an imaginary office assistant to help me deal with the deluge of imaginary mail that has been pouring in from all my readers. I’ve been getting so much recently that I apologise for the fact that I can’t reply to each individually, unless it’s as a comment on the bottom of this blog.
In true Imaginary Review style, however, I’ve decided to share some of my recent letters with you and respond to them in the form of a review! Let’s start, shall we?
Dear Imaginary Reviewer,
I’m a really big fan of The Imaginary Review, ever since I was doing a Google search for Dame Judy Dench and you were on the 155th page. Can you tell me how you come up with so many great ideas for things, when they don’t exist? You’re a bit like God, in a mad way, aren’t you, what with all these things that you create? Admittedly, you’ve never created a new marsupial, and God never invented a chat show hosted by Madeline Albright, but still, the comparison remains valid, I think.
- Jonathon, West Sussex
Now this is a great letter, well-written, obviously fully thought-out and with excellent hand writing. There’s so much to praise in this letter: the introductory sentence with its historical reference and the question in the second sentence that brings me, the reader, into the letter and gets me involved. Excellent. Comparing me to God is a daring move, with many risks, but I think the effect is quite brilliant. I’d give Jonathon’s letter eight stars out of a possible ten. I deducted one star because the perfume he sprayed on the envelope wasn’t very nice.
Dear Mister Reviewer,
You may already have won £5,000,000! Yes, reply today to find out if you have won £5,000,000! Just send this pre-paid coupon back to us, along with your name, age and cheque for fifty pounds and you can find out if you’ve already won £5,000,000! What are you waiting for, Imaginary?
- Mister Pott, London W1
This is a pretty good letter, in my opinion. It’s short, to the point and comes with a pre-paid reply coupon, which I can cut out, cross out the address and stick onto another envelope, saving me the postage. But while I like being referred to as ‘Mister Reviewer’, I find their use of my first name – Imaginary – to be a little rude. Six stars.
Deer Imaginy Revew
Mi name is tommy i am 6 you are mi favorite website can you do a revew of the doodlebugs cos they is my favorite to. I drawd a picshur of you playing with the doodlebugs.
- Tommy, Nuneaton
No, no, no. This is a terrible letter. Where do I begin? Let’s start with the spelling. It’s absolutely atrocious, even for a child of six years old. There’s very poor grammar, no flow between ideas and the assertion that the Doodlebugs are Tommy’s “favorite [sic] to [sic]” makes no sense. He already said that I was his “favorite [sic] website”. Are the Doodlebugs also his favourite website? Or are they his favourite TV show? I wonder if even Tommy himself knows. Very poor, two stars (and they’re both for the drawing).
Dear Imaginary Reviewer,
I find your weblog both poorly written and entirely lacking in humour. Each time I go to your site I find myself coming away sadder than before, wondering why I do this to myself. Why do I continually find myself on this Godawful pile of unfunny nonsense? Why do I insist on returning to this stream of unmitigated pap? Why do you continue? Why don’t you just stop? Return to your day job! Stop writing bad reviews! Stop it! Oh, and your Dad says ‘Hi, happy birthday for Thursday’.
- Mum, Liverpool
This is a little better than the last letter, but it’s still very poorly written, and the slather marks on the page make it very difficult to read. I think the sentiments expressed within are also poorly constructed, badly thought out and just plain hurtful. It’s not my fault my parents didn’t have that girl they wanted.
So what with the awards and the fan club, I’ve had to hire an imaginary office assistant to help me deal with the deluge of imaginary mail that has been pouring in from all my readers. I’ve been getting so much recently that I apologise for the fact that I can’t reply to each individually, unless it’s as a comment on the bottom of this blog.
In true Imaginary Review style, however, I’ve decided to share some of my recent letters with you and respond to them in the form of a review! Let’s start, shall we?
Dear Imaginary Reviewer,
I’m a really big fan of The Imaginary Review, ever since I was doing a Google search for Dame Judy Dench and you were on the 155th page. Can you tell me how you come up with so many great ideas for things, when they don’t exist? You’re a bit like God, in a mad way, aren’t you, what with all these things that you create? Admittedly, you’ve never created a new marsupial, and God never invented a chat show hosted by Madeline Albright, but still, the comparison remains valid, I think.
- Jonathon, West Sussex
Now this is a great letter, well-written, obviously fully thought-out and with excellent hand writing. There’s so much to praise in this letter: the introductory sentence with its historical reference and the question in the second sentence that brings me, the reader, into the letter and gets me involved. Excellent. Comparing me to God is a daring move, with many risks, but I think the effect is quite brilliant. I’d give Jonathon’s letter eight stars out of a possible ten. I deducted one star because the perfume he sprayed on the envelope wasn’t very nice.
Dear Mister Reviewer,
You may already have won £5,000,000! Yes, reply today to find out if you have won £5,000,000! Just send this pre-paid coupon back to us, along with your name, age and cheque for fifty pounds and you can find out if you’ve already won £5,000,000! What are you waiting for, Imaginary?
- Mister Pott, London W1
This is a pretty good letter, in my opinion. It’s short, to the point and comes with a pre-paid reply coupon, which I can cut out, cross out the address and stick onto another envelope, saving me the postage. But while I like being referred to as ‘Mister Reviewer’, I find their use of my first name – Imaginary – to be a little rude. Six stars.
Deer Imaginy Revew
Mi name is tommy i am 6 you are mi favorite website can you do a revew of the doodlebugs cos they is my favorite to. I drawd a picshur of you playing with the doodlebugs.
- Tommy, Nuneaton
No, no, no. This is a terrible letter. Where do I begin? Let’s start with the spelling. It’s absolutely atrocious, even for a child of six years old. There’s very poor grammar, no flow between ideas and the assertion that the Doodlebugs are Tommy’s “favorite [sic] to [sic]” makes no sense. He already said that I was his “favorite [sic] website”. Are the Doodlebugs also his favourite website? Or are they his favourite TV show? I wonder if even Tommy himself knows. Very poor, two stars (and they’re both for the drawing).
Dear Imaginary Reviewer,
I find your weblog both poorly written and entirely lacking in humour. Each time I go to your site I find myself coming away sadder than before, wondering why I do this to myself. Why do I continually find myself on this Godawful pile of unfunny nonsense? Why do I insist on returning to this stream of unmitigated pap? Why do you continue? Why don’t you just stop? Return to your day job! Stop writing bad reviews! Stop it! Oh, and your Dad says ‘Hi, happy birthday for Thursday’.
- Mum, Liverpool
This is a little better than the last letter, but it’s still very poorly written, and the slather marks on the page make it very difficult to read. I think the sentiments expressed within are also poorly constructed, badly thought out and just plain hurtful. It’s not my fault my parents didn’t have that girl they wanted.
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