Last year was a great year for phobias, with the American Psychiatric Association releasing some excellent new ones. Some were so popular that they sold out immediately and there were riots all over the world and in France. Will this year’s phobias be as popular? God knows. And so will you, if you read on.
One of the best fears ever created by the smarty-panted boffins at the APA is Facebookhacksocialpariahphobia. This charmingly-titled irrational pant-shitter makes the sufferer totally terrified that their Facebook account will be hacked by an unscrupulous miscreant. This rotten scoundrel will then change their status update and write insulting wall posts to all their friends, making them an outcast with fewer than 200 chums and only memories of being superpoked.
When I tried this phobia I felt like I needed to constantly be in front of a computer to make sure I was logged in to Facebook, like some crazy square-eyed dipstick. When I was forced to be away from my desk I was terrified that someone would hack into my account and comment that a friend’s baby “looked like a dog-faced imp”. This fear made me steal someone’s chump trumpet so I could access the website through it. All in all, this is an excellent, highly effective phobia. Top marks.
Less successful is Sambeckettohboyphobia, the fear that hearing someone say “oh boy” will make you shift in time and space so that you occupy someone else’s body, only being able to move on once you’ve fixed some injustice in their life, and hoping that every leap will be the leap home. This phobia was pretty ineffective, as nobody says “oh boy” any more, except Buddy Holly, and he’s dead. No points.
Blogspeedphobia is the fear that once your blog gets more than 50 hits in a single day, it must never drop below 50 hits every day from then on, or it will explode. I found this to be an effective phobia, not least because Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock refused to return my calls asking them to spread the word about The Imaginary Review. In the end, to combat this phobia I had Dennis Hopper killed. Job done.
Finally, I am a big fan of Pornstarobitsadnessphobia. This is the fear that unrelated video footage of you crying your eyes out will be used in a news report of the death of a famous porn star. If you suffer from this phobia, you live in the fear that your friends and family will believe that some horny starlet’s premature demise will upset you so much that you will be openly weeping in the streets.
This phobia made me resolve to never again cry with a camera recording me, and forced me to destroy all my home video funeral footage. I also trembled each time a news anchor adopted the grave “death announcement” demeanour, scared that he would announce some glamour model’s tragic death. This is a brilliant phobia, full of layers and suspense, it gets two thumbs up from me.
The Imaginary Reviewer would like to remind you that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Oh, and snakes.
Showing posts with label Terror. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Terror. Show all posts
Monday, 9 March 2009
Monday, 21 April 2008
The Latest Phobias Reviewed!
The American Psychiatric Association has just released this season’s big new phobias, and I got my hands on some of them. I’m going to give them all a try, safe in the knowledge that when it comes to reviewing things, The Imaginary Reviewer fears nothing!
Sinojumpiphobia is the fear that everyone in China will simultaneously jump up and down on the spot, causing the world’s orbit to change. I tried this phobia before going out to town and it was pretty scary. Firstly, any kind of shaking made me think that the Chinese government had forced the country’s population to do skipping rope practise at once. A large truck drove by and I shat myself, quite literally. While I was in the underwear shop buying replacement pants I felt a nearby elevator drop and thought I was going to die. Sinojumpiphobia is one intense new fear, and gets a hefty eight on the Stephen King Scale.
Next on the list was Metallipickuphobia, or, the fear of being in a rock concert and the band stopping the set so they can tell you that your parents are waiting for you in the car outside. This is so named because the first people to get this fear were in a Metallica gig. I tested this fear during a normal working day, and I have to say, it’s not very effective; my life was pretty unaffected by this worry. However, when I applied the phobia before going to see Death By Dry Hump at the Toronto Autobahn, I needed to leave the building each time the band stopped playing to talk to the audience. The lead singer had just said ‘Hello Toronto!’ and I had to run out like Cinderella at midnight. Terrifying.
Amimikaphobia is a very new fear, but isn’t entirely uncommon. It is the fear of being befriended by high-pitched ‘singer’ Mika. I had this phobia to a small extent already, but when I tested it, my entire life became dedicated to finding out where Mika was and what he was doing, so that I could make plans to avoid him, should he be nearby. My mind was full of the ‘fun things’ Mika would want to do when he and I somehow became friends; watching films on my sofa, making hotdogs, going to parties. I would shudder as I considered the hatred my friends would show me for bringing Mika to parties with me, not listening to my claims that he wouldn’t say no. My fear became so bad that I spent the rest of the week hiding in a hole. This is one of the most potent and effective phobias I have ever tested, even scarier than OneNightinParisPhobia, the fear of discovering Paris Hilton made a sex tape with you while you were drunk and it's now available all over the internet.
Reviewophobia was a very harrowing phobia to test. As one could gather from the name, it is a fear of reviews, and as my life revolves around them, I was incredibly distressed during this time. Each time I saw or thought of reviews, I was terrified, and this made it very hard to exist in my home, where I am constantly surrounded by reviews. For instance, the first review I ever wrote (for Treasure Island Dizzy on the ZX Spectrum) is framed on the wall in my living room. I destroyed this memento in a panicked moment, meaning I have since had to frame a copy of my second ever review (of Mayfair, June 1991 issue). Over dinner one night, my wife asked me what I thought of the meal, and just as I was about to critically analyse the stewed dumplings my fear kicked in and I spent the rest of the evening under the dining room table. A very effective fear.
For more information about these phobias, please send an email to the American Psychological Association. For more information about colon cancer, see a doctor. For more information about the Imaginary Review, see our website at www.imaginary-review.blogspot.com.
Sinojumpiphobia is the fear that everyone in China will simultaneously jump up and down on the spot, causing the world’s orbit to change. I tried this phobia before going out to town and it was pretty scary. Firstly, any kind of shaking made me think that the Chinese government had forced the country’s population to do skipping rope practise at once. A large truck drove by and I shat myself, quite literally. While I was in the underwear shop buying replacement pants I felt a nearby elevator drop and thought I was going to die. Sinojumpiphobia is one intense new fear, and gets a hefty eight on the Stephen King Scale.
Next on the list was Metallipickuphobia, or, the fear of being in a rock concert and the band stopping the set so they can tell you that your parents are waiting for you in the car outside. This is so named because the first people to get this fear were in a Metallica gig. I tested this fear during a normal working day, and I have to say, it’s not very effective; my life was pretty unaffected by this worry. However, when I applied the phobia before going to see Death By Dry Hump at the Toronto Autobahn, I needed to leave the building each time the band stopped playing to talk to the audience. The lead singer had just said ‘Hello Toronto!’ and I had to run out like Cinderella at midnight. Terrifying.
Amimikaphobia is a very new fear, but isn’t entirely uncommon. It is the fear of being befriended by high-pitched ‘singer’ Mika. I had this phobia to a small extent already, but when I tested it, my entire life became dedicated to finding out where Mika was and what he was doing, so that I could make plans to avoid him, should he be nearby. My mind was full of the ‘fun things’ Mika would want to do when he and I somehow became friends; watching films on my sofa, making hotdogs, going to parties. I would shudder as I considered the hatred my friends would show me for bringing Mika to parties with me, not listening to my claims that he wouldn’t say no. My fear became so bad that I spent the rest of the week hiding in a hole. This is one of the most potent and effective phobias I have ever tested, even scarier than OneNightinParisPhobia, the fear of discovering Paris Hilton made a sex tape with you while you were drunk and it's now available all over the internet.
Reviewophobia was a very harrowing phobia to test. As one could gather from the name, it is a fear of reviews, and as my life revolves around them, I was incredibly distressed during this time. Each time I saw or thought of reviews, I was terrified, and this made it very hard to exist in my home, where I am constantly surrounded by reviews. For instance, the first review I ever wrote (for Treasure Island Dizzy on the ZX Spectrum) is framed on the wall in my living room. I destroyed this memento in a panicked moment, meaning I have since had to frame a copy of my second ever review (of Mayfair, June 1991 issue). Over dinner one night, my wife asked me what I thought of the meal, and just as I was about to critically analyse the stewed dumplings my fear kicked in and I spent the rest of the evening under the dining room table. A very effective fear.
For more information about these phobias, please send an email to the American Psychological Association. For more information about colon cancer, see a doctor. For more information about the Imaginary Review, see our website at www.imaginary-review.blogspot.com.
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