Celebrity Fragrance Update

The big craze among celebrities these days is the release of a perfume with their name on it. Sarah Jessica Parker has released ‘Horseface’ while Christina Aguilera spent hours in a lab making her eponymous fragrance. There are many fictional characters who have their own perfumes, too, including Miss Piggy, Jade Goody and Paris Hilton. The Imaginary Review decided to have a sniff and see what the new additions to this list are like.

Alan Cumming released ‘Cumming: The Fragrance’ last year, and has spent all his time since then trying to follow it up with another. Now, he has finally finished his work, and the result is 'Cumming: On Your Neck'. The perfume smells a little wheaty, with a saltiness and bitterness to it that brings to mind memories of my teenage years. It isn't the most pleasant smell I've encountered, but not the worst, either.

The second fragrance that we tried was 'Lockhart', from a fictional character, Tifa Lockhart from the video game Final Fantasy 7. This scent is both playful and sincere, with a heavy emphasis on crude oil and bone marrow. Tifa herself has commented that she had a large hand in the creation process, and that the smell was designed to resemble the smells that she remembers from inside the womb. One problem that I noted with Lockhart was that the scent attracts weasels, and when wearing it I could not escape from the onset of small mammals. Otherwise, this perfume made me feel special, like a beautiful woman, which is nice because I am an ugly, ugly man.

Ad for Tifa Lockhart's new Fragrance, 'Lockhart'

Finally, dancing singers The Pussycat Dolls have released their own set of fragrances which come in a box set of six bottles, one for each member of the band. To be honest, when I first tested the scents I thought there had been a mistake, as only one bottle contained perfume; the other were all full of water. But when I contacted the distribution company, they confirmed that this was intentional. It seems that only one of the Pussycat Dolls' fragrances actually does anything, much like the band themselves. The smell is quite nice, but as soon as I had stopped smelling it, I couldn't remember anything about it. My notes say that it had elements of cinnamon and angst, but I have no recollection of it.

New Fragrances

With December on its way, many perfume manufacturers are hoping to cash in on the Christmas consumerism cacophony with scents aplenty. The Imaginary Review has been made party to these seasonal nose-tinglers, so come forth and bow before the altar of odour!

Calvin Klein has been blazing a trail in the underwear, perfume and perfumed underwear markets for years, and if his new fragrance is anything by which to go, next year will be as strong as ever for the mysterious man-child. CK-Off has elements of strawberries, fields and eternity, with essence of sodium in the aftertaste. This fragrance (for men or women, but not both) rekindles feelings of happiness tinged with solemn regret at a lost childhood.

The latest celebrity to invent, release and then market a fragrance is British Olympic medal-winner Fatima Whitbread, whose new product Purificationism is to perfume what Dick Cheney is to ballet dancing. In a bottle shaped like an enormous thigh, this smelly stuff evokes thoughts of athleticism, purity and arson. Apparently the scent is inspired by a bottle of talcum powder that Fatima’s mother gave to her as a child and which contained magical properties.

The new kid on the Perfume block is the Italian fragrance collective, Youknow. Based in Pamplona, the collective (whose slogan is ‘Youknow: It Makes Scents’) consists of sixteen former art students who also have a sideline business in black-market passports. The Youknow range is more expensive - and therefore better - than most of its competitors, and each fragrance is based around a different bodily fluid. My favourite is the one made of tears.

Finally, Chanel’s new fragrance, Circumspect, harks back to a golden age of perfume when Audrey Hepburn was alive and Tommy Hilfigger was just a twinkle in an elder Hilfigger’s eye. Circumspect is a wonderful fragrance with elements of saffron, cocktail olives and tooth decay. It is a smell that brings forth emotions associated with small financial windfalls and being surprised by someone’s trustworthiness.

So there you have it. All the presents you could possibly need for that special person in your life who has an unfortunate stench.