The Guelph Annual Flower, Plant, Fruit, Vegetable and Other Things That Grow Show

As the old saying goes, “You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her enjoy it”. Well, the annual horticulture event at Guelph, the Guelph Annual Flower, Plant, Fruit, Vegetable and Other Things That Grow Show is running now, and this reviewer certainly enjoyed it when he visited last weekend. I thought I’d share some of my highlights from the event, like a philanthropic bastard.

By far the most impressive thing on display in the Fruit Quarter was the Daily 5 Encouragement Fruit, designed and created by Dave and Yvonne Williams Organically Genetically Enhanced Produce, Inc. The Williamses have managed to alter the genetic makeup of several types of fruit, so that when you cut into them, the seeds inside the fruit are arranged to form that day’s Dilbert cartoon. By growing the fruit this way, Dave and Yvonne hope to encourage people to eat their recommended daily intake of five servings of fruit. They are currently in talks with various other cartoonists, and soon we may be seeing Garfield when we bite into a pear and Sherman’s Lagoon when we cut an orange in half.

The Bubble-wrap Tree was grown by a man from America after he cross pollinated a sycamore with a daschund. It should prove to be one of the most sought-after new trees in the world, as its seeds are just like plastic bubble wrap, and after around five years of growth this tree will, if tended properly, yield around a ton of the stress-relieving packing material per annum. I tested some of the bubble wrap and it was highly satisfying to pop, with a great finger sensitivity ratio but merely adequate popping volume. Overall, it’s between Grand & Toy and Staples on the quality scale.

I wasn’t a big fan of the Monsanto Corporation’s Upside-Down Corn, in the Monsanto-sponsored Innovations Zone. In order to save space they’ve managed to make corn grow underground, with the roots sticking up out of the soil. They had some of this new corn for people to taste, and to me it was a little too earthy. When I approached a Monsanto employee to discuss this with them, I was tasered repeatedly until I was a blubbering heap on the floor. Apparently this is a new PR practice, so they’re in my Big Book of Bad People Who do Bad Things to Nice Reviewers.

The Farmers’ Market at the show was a big success, and I managed to pick up two wonderful farmers, Greg and Philip, who now live in my shed. If they’re good I let them in the garden where they dance and play and sing and tell hilarious stories about wheat.

Finally, the Interactive Virtual Reality Vegetable Experience is the latest hi-tech invention from the Canadian Agricultural Association. Using up-to-the-minute technology they let you experience what it’s like to be a cucumber, asparagus or broccoli, from the moment of conception until being put into a supermarket salad. While the growing stages were a little boring, I really did feel like I got a sense of what it’s like to be a vegetable, and to be honest I was a little disoriented when it was over. I found it very hard to walk, as I thought my feet were still planted in an allotment. The Interactive Virtual Reality Vegetable Experience is not recommended for pregnant women, small children or Belgians.

The Guelph Annual Flower, Plant, Fruit, Vegetable and Other Things That Grow Show will run until a week on Tuesday, but you won’t be able to go after this weekend because of that thing you said you’d help your sister do next week. Yeah, I know it’s an inconvenience, but you said you’d do it and she’s relying on you. Well, you shouldn’t have said you’d do it, then, should you? Hey, I’m not going to tell her, you can tell her yourself. Tell her yourself. No, tell her yourself. Tell her yourself. You shouldn’t have said you’d do it, so tell her yourself.

God, you’re so selfish sometimes.