Mobile Phone round-up

As with any passing technological fad, mobile phones are here to stay. Nothing screams “2008” more than the sight of a pensioner in a coffee shop shouting down her phone at her investment banker, or a toddler hitting a bemused dog with a Nokia 9900 Series. The latest phones to hit your pocket are reviewed now!

First off, the Samsung Happy Slapper V310 SE comes with a video recorder that allows ultra-close zoom, allowing you to perfectly capture those grimaces of pain from the stranger that your mates just punched in the back of the head. The phone also comes with the latest in ‘Rascal Escape’ technology; pressing a certain combination of buttons releases an oil slick or an eruption of ball bearings, should you get chased by you slapped victim or the police. Oh, and apparently it takes phone calls.

New from Sony is the DigiPuzzle 5500i. It holds up to 50,000 songs, views web pages and can even create spreadsheets using a special knob, but only if you can release it from a cunning array of metallic brain-teasing puzzles. And hurry! If you fail to free it from the trap within two weeks of purchase, it will explode. Once you’ve got the phone out of the puzzle box casing, each call can only be received by answering three riddles correctly. This is THE phone for crossword puzzle enthusiasts.

Tomy have released a phone especially aimed at neonates. It comes in a choice of three bright colours and has a big smiley face on it. Made in China, it is incredibly dangerous for your child if they put it in their mouth, but, let’s face it, if you have a child who puts things in their mouth all the time, it’ll just be a matter of years before they’ve stabbed themselves in the face with a breadknife, isn’t it? Evolution, kids! Don’t put random objects in your mouth, or you’ll be removed from the gene pool!

Finally, a new phone from Nokia secretes an artificially created hormone that makes you feel guilty whenever you tell a lie. The OmniPot CDMB6 also makes horrendous crying noises when you eat snack food, shows a picture of Jesus looking stern if you think impure thoughts and plays a video of your parents having sex if you’re about to cheat on your spouse. This phone comes in grey and black and will be a mandatory accessory in America from June.