Here at the Imaginary Review, I like to be at the front line of linguistic creation. Lest we forget, I am responsible for the genesis of such excellent new words and phrases as ‘Cockroar’, ‘Apewail’ and ‘Cacophonic bellyhurt of wonderyay’. I’m sure you’ll agree, it’s only a matter of time before everyone is using these on a regular basis, even newsreaders, tennis players and high court judges.
Given this loyalty to the cause of clause applause, I think I am more than able to analyse some of the latest new words and phrases that are hitting the streets like suicidal bankers. Here are my findings!
Chump-trumpet is the new slang word for a mobile phone that is hopelessly outdated and doesn’t even have picture taking capabilities, let alone a terabyte-sized storage space for Panic at the Disco songs. (Example usage: “What’s that brick you’ve got there, John? Oh Christ, that’s a chump trumpet and no mistaking”)
This is a great phrase, with a pleasing almost-rhyming sound and wonderful mouth movements that feel like kisses. I’ll be using this phrase to put down all of my friends who aren’t at the bleeding edge of technological attainment, like me. Rating: A-
Gibbonning is the name given to the practice of employing attractive people to canvas for charities and religious cults in busy shopping centres. Now illegal in many parts of Europe and Australia, Gibbonning typically involves a young man being approached by a gorgeous and friendly young lady. He stops, gets talking and realises too late that she is about to force a copy of The Watchtower on him. (Example usage: “Stay away from that girl over there; she gibbonned me into becoming a Scientologist”)
The word itself is somewhat awkward, and is a little misleading given the context of the abuse of beauty. Rating: D+
Panty Banjo is the impressive skill of removing one’s underwear without affecting the outer garments. While this has been a party trick for many years when done with a bra, young people these days are becoming increasingly adept at panty banjo while wearing jeans. It has to be seen to be believed. (Example usage: “How did he manage that panty banjo while he was wearing leather trousers?”)
Panty banjo is a great little phrase, as the ‘banjo’ part evokes both images of a deftness of fingers and a useless skill. It sounds nice to hear, but saying it can be cumbersome, especially for someone whose lips have a rubber index of more than 8. Rating: B
Gnapply refers to the state of being irritable and bad-tempered after drinking too many carbonated energy drinks. Known in some US states as a ‘judder spasm’, this condition has been known to have caused at least one death since 1998. (Example usage: “Sorry for kicking your aunt last night, mate, I was a bit gnapply”)
I’m somewhat ambivalent towards this phrase. I’m not sure why. The silent ‘g’ really gives it a kick from the start, but by ‘ly’ at the end I’ve lost interest. Plus it also has the potential to be mistaken for ‘nipply’, which, as we all know, is what happens to ladies when it’s cold and Orlando Bloom is on TV. Rating: C+
Showing posts with label mobile phone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mobile phone. Show all posts
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
Friday, 1 February 2008
Mobile Phone round-up
As with any passing technological fad, mobile phones are here to stay. Nothing screams “2008” more than the sight of a pensioner in a coffee shop shouting down her phone at her investment banker, or a toddler hitting a bemused dog with a Nokia 9900 Series. The latest phones to hit your pocket are reviewed now!
First off, the Samsung Happy Slapper V310 SE comes with a video recorder that allows ultra-close zoom, allowing you to perfectly capture those grimaces of pain from the stranger that your mates just punched in the back of the head. The phone also comes with the latest in ‘Rascal Escape’ technology; pressing a certain combination of buttons releases an oil slick or an eruption of ball bearings, should you get chased by you slapped victim or the police. Oh, and apparently it takes phone calls.
New from Sony is the DigiPuzzle 5500i. It holds up to 50,000 songs, views web pages and can even create spreadsheets using a special knob, but only if you can release it from a cunning array of metallic brain-teasing puzzles. And hurry! If you fail to free it from the trap within two weeks of purchase, it will explode. Once you’ve got the phone out of the puzzle box casing, each call can only be received by answering three riddles correctly. This is THE phone for crossword puzzle enthusiasts.
Tomy have released a phone especially aimed at neonates. It comes in a choice of three bright colours and has a big smiley face on it. Made in China, it is incredibly dangerous for your child if they put it in their mouth, but, let’s face it, if you have a child who puts things in their mouth all the time, it’ll just be a matter of years before they’ve stabbed themselves in the face with a breadknife, isn’t it? Evolution, kids! Don’t put random objects in your mouth, or you’ll be removed from the gene pool!
Finally, a new phone from Nokia secretes an artificially created hormone that makes you feel guilty whenever you tell a lie. The OmniPot CDMB6 also makes horrendous crying noises when you eat snack food, shows a picture of Jesus looking stern if you think impure thoughts and plays a video of your parents having sex if you’re about to cheat on your spouse. This phone comes in grey and black and will be a mandatory accessory in America from June.
First off, the Samsung Happy Slapper V310 SE comes with a video recorder that allows ultra-close zoom, allowing you to perfectly capture those grimaces of pain from the stranger that your mates just punched in the back of the head. The phone also comes with the latest in ‘Rascal Escape’ technology; pressing a certain combination of buttons releases an oil slick or an eruption of ball bearings, should you get chased by you slapped victim or the police. Oh, and apparently it takes phone calls.
New from Sony is the DigiPuzzle 5500i. It holds up to 50,000 songs, views web pages and can even create spreadsheets using a special knob, but only if you can release it from a cunning array of metallic brain-teasing puzzles. And hurry! If you fail to free it from the trap within two weeks of purchase, it will explode. Once you’ve got the phone out of the puzzle box casing, each call can only be received by answering three riddles correctly. This is THE phone for crossword puzzle enthusiasts.
Tomy have released a phone especially aimed at neonates. It comes in a choice of three bright colours and has a big smiley face on it. Made in China, it is incredibly dangerous for your child if they put it in their mouth, but, let’s face it, if you have a child who puts things in their mouth all the time, it’ll just be a matter of years before they’ve stabbed themselves in the face with a breadknife, isn’t it? Evolution, kids! Don’t put random objects in your mouth, or you’ll be removed from the gene pool!
Finally, a new phone from Nokia secretes an artificially created hormone that makes you feel guilty whenever you tell a lie. The OmniPot CDMB6 also makes horrendous crying noises when you eat snack food, shows a picture of Jesus looking stern if you think impure thoughts and plays a video of your parents having sex if you’re about to cheat on your spouse. This phone comes in grey and black and will be a mandatory accessory in America from June.
Wednesday, 23 January 2008
New Weaponry Review – Nokia 22-20 Gunphone
In a world in which mobile telephones come with built-in mp3 players, cameras and clothes irons, and when just about everything – from motorised wheelchairs to defibrillators – comes with a built-in phone, it was only a matter of time before the combination gun/cell phone was developed.
Designed by Nokia working in tandem with British Aerospace and with funding from the Disney Corporation, the 22-20 Gunphone was unveiled at the Consumer Electronics Show earlier this month. It will go on sale in the U.S. in the summer, with anticipated releases in Sierra Leone, Dubai, Wales and the Congo at the end of the year. The Imaginary Review managed to sneak a prototype out of the exhibition using a combination of guile, cunning and a knee to the groin. We’ve been testing it ever since, from morning to night, just to give you the lowdown on 2008’s next essential piece of kit.
On first appearance the 22-20 looks a little larger than most current cell phones, and its bulky look may put off some prospective buyers. In addition, the barrel of the gun sticks out of the top of the gadget, and could be mistaken on first glance for the type of aerial that mobile phones used to have in the 1990s. The extra space required by the ammunition does allow the phone to have a screen that is 25% larger than its rivals, however.
The phone’s specs are fairly average; certainly they are among the weakest for a phone in this price range. However, it should be noted that no other phones in this price range can shoot the face off someone who is stealing your hub caps. The 22-20 is Internet-ready, and can browse the Internet with some ease. Indeed, the larger screen helps in this regard.
But the main talking point is the .22 calibre gun that is built into the casing, fired by a small button next to the mouthpiece. From my own experimentation, it has a range of around thirty feet and can penetrate the windscreen of an oncoming Subaru. Aiming the weapon is not an easy process, however, as I find the sights can lose their accuracy after being bashed around in my coat pocket.
My major gripe with the Gunphone is its failure to deter criminals. Show a potential mugger your .48 Magnum and they’ll run a mile. Threaten someone with your cellphone and they’ll laugh at you, forcing you to blow their brains out in irrational fury. It is possible to download threatening mp3 voices warning the criminal to back off, but until it becomes common knowledge that this phone is a gun, no perp will take you seriously while you wave your phone at them.
Also, there needs to be a slightly more effective locking mechanism on the weapon. I let a friend borrow the 22-20 to make an emergency call, and they accidentally shot their chin off, forcing me to make another emergency call on their behalf. I imagine that some people may also forget to lock the gun mechanism after using it, put the phone in their pocket and end up literally shooting themselves in the foot.
All grips aside, this is a great gizmo that comes highly recommended for anyone who has to make a lot of calls in dangerous areas and who doesn’t have enough room in their pockets for both a gun and a phone. Anyone buying the 22-20 just for the phone or the gun, however, will be disappointed, as there are much better examples of each out there, albeit separately.
The Nokia 22-20 Gunphone will be released June 2008 in the US. Phone will come with hands free kit, battery charger and 100 bullets. Not for sale to minors. Nokia will not be held responsible for any injuries caused by the vibrate function.
Designed by Nokia working in tandem with British Aerospace and with funding from the Disney Corporation, the 22-20 Gunphone was unveiled at the Consumer Electronics Show earlier this month. It will go on sale in the U.S. in the summer, with anticipated releases in Sierra Leone, Dubai, Wales and the Congo at the end of the year. The Imaginary Review managed to sneak a prototype out of the exhibition using a combination of guile, cunning and a knee to the groin. We’ve been testing it ever since, from morning to night, just to give you the lowdown on 2008’s next essential piece of kit.
On first appearance the 22-20 looks a little larger than most current cell phones, and its bulky look may put off some prospective buyers. In addition, the barrel of the gun sticks out of the top of the gadget, and could be mistaken on first glance for the type of aerial that mobile phones used to have in the 1990s. The extra space required by the ammunition does allow the phone to have a screen that is 25% larger than its rivals, however.
The phone’s specs are fairly average; certainly they are among the weakest for a phone in this price range. However, it should be noted that no other phones in this price range can shoot the face off someone who is stealing your hub caps. The 22-20 is Internet-ready, and can browse the Internet with some ease. Indeed, the larger screen helps in this regard.
But the main talking point is the .22 calibre gun that is built into the casing, fired by a small button next to the mouthpiece. From my own experimentation, it has a range of around thirty feet and can penetrate the windscreen of an oncoming Subaru. Aiming the weapon is not an easy process, however, as I find the sights can lose their accuracy after being bashed around in my coat pocket.
My major gripe with the Gunphone is its failure to deter criminals. Show a potential mugger your .48 Magnum and they’ll run a mile. Threaten someone with your cellphone and they’ll laugh at you, forcing you to blow their brains out in irrational fury. It is possible to download threatening mp3 voices warning the criminal to back off, but until it becomes common knowledge that this phone is a gun, no perp will take you seriously while you wave your phone at them.
Also, there needs to be a slightly more effective locking mechanism on the weapon. I let a friend borrow the 22-20 to make an emergency call, and they accidentally shot their chin off, forcing me to make another emergency call on their behalf. I imagine that some people may also forget to lock the gun mechanism after using it, put the phone in their pocket and end up literally shooting themselves in the foot.
All grips aside, this is a great gizmo that comes highly recommended for anyone who has to make a lot of calls in dangerous areas and who doesn’t have enough room in their pockets for both a gun and a phone. Anyone buying the 22-20 just for the phone or the gun, however, will be disappointed, as there are much better examples of each out there, albeit separately.
The Nokia 22-20 Gunphone will be released June 2008 in the US. Phone will come with hands free kit, battery charger and 100 bullets. Not for sale to minors. Nokia will not be held responsible for any injuries caused by the vibrate function.
Monday, 5 November 2007
Nonsense Blast
The latest craze that’s grabbing the earlobes of today’s youth and kneeing them in the crotch is ‘Freeform Texting’, otherwise known as ‘Nonsense Blast’. It involves sending a normal SMS text message to a friend or loved one, but instead of typing out letters to make words and sentences, the person uses their mobile phone to create a string of random letters and symbols. Thus, a text message that is supposed to say ‘Hi Dave, pub @ 8? Ste’ might say ‘yaawkswt f3c@ 33pfpaamn’.
The person credited with the creation of this revolution is Philip Stirrup, a 19-year-old student from Tarby.
‘I was on the train, texting my girlfriend to let her know I was going to be late,’ says Stirrup of his moment of creation. ‘As I was tapping out the letters I kept thinking, “I don’t want to type this letter, I want to type something else.” So that’s what I did. The text ended up saying ‘Hey Jules, I’nnnn a gam majgd 00.’
From these seeds of jibberish and a held-up girlfriend, a phenomenon was created. Soon, the word spread of Nonsense Blast, and text messages everywhere started getting silly. Estimates currently place the amount of nonsense texts at around 20% of all text messages sent in Britain, and that percentage is set to grow.
‘It really is a brilliant idea,’ says Bobby Grotnik, Professor of Linguistics and Stargate SG1 at Durham University. ‘These young people are escaping the confines of their own language, even relinquishing the bonds of the slang that they’ve created! By refusing to follow the rules of spelling, grammar or even simple semantic meaning, they’re allowing us all to break free from the oppressive rule of language, flying free from prison to gahdfm ….safdsfdhurrrrrrrrr’ At this point our email interview is halted as Professor Grotnik starts to freeform type in order to prove his point.
But not everyone is as pleased at this new linguistic revolution. Parents who already found their children’s language difficult to understand are now up in arms because their offspring are now sending completely impenetrable messages. Molly Oldenstock of Parents Against Nonsense Texting (PANT) says that her group are petitioning mobile phone companies to make them stop sending texts that are incomprehensible. So far the group has met with little luck.
‘We are sick and tired of sending our children messages asking where they are and getting a load of random letters as a response,’ Oldenstock yelled at me down the phone. ‘We want our kids to send proper messages that make sense. Now, the phone companies tell us that they can’t prevent people sending messages that don’t make sense because a few French people here and there might not get their texts. But we know why they don’t want to do it; it’s all about the money. Well, as parents we’re not going to take it any longer!’
Oldenstock went on. ‘I don’t care what the eggheads say about Lewis Carroll and James Joyce inventing their own language and escaping from the restrictivities of accepted usage! They still followed semantic and syntactic systematization!’ At this point Molly banged her hand on the table for effect but did so a little too hard and was hospitalized. Our thoughts go out to her family.
And so, despite the naysayers, freeform texting is not going to go anywhere. Indeed, its usage will seemingly grow, as dorky kids start learning about it weeks after it was cool and start doing it in a feeble attempt to gain credibility. It looks set to cross over into everyday life too, as psychiatrists are starting to use it as an aid to psychoanalysis. Who knows, it may not be long before you are sending text messages that look like Croatian shopping lists.
The person credited with the creation of this revolution is Philip Stirrup, a 19-year-old student from Tarby.
‘I was on the train, texting my girlfriend to let her know I was going to be late,’ says Stirrup of his moment of creation. ‘As I was tapping out the letters I kept thinking, “I don’t want to type this letter, I want to type something else.” So that’s what I did. The text ended up saying ‘Hey Jules, I’nnnn a gam majgd 00.’
From these seeds of jibberish and a held-up girlfriend, a phenomenon was created. Soon, the word spread of Nonsense Blast, and text messages everywhere started getting silly. Estimates currently place the amount of nonsense texts at around 20% of all text messages sent in Britain, and that percentage is set to grow.
‘It really is a brilliant idea,’ says Bobby Grotnik, Professor of Linguistics and Stargate SG1 at Durham University. ‘These young people are escaping the confines of their own language, even relinquishing the bonds of the slang that they’ve created! By refusing to follow the rules of spelling, grammar or even simple semantic meaning, they’re allowing us all to break free from the oppressive rule of language, flying free from prison to gahdfm ….safdsfdhurrrrrrrrr’ At this point our email interview is halted as Professor Grotnik starts to freeform type in order to prove his point.
But not everyone is as pleased at this new linguistic revolution. Parents who already found their children’s language difficult to understand are now up in arms because their offspring are now sending completely impenetrable messages. Molly Oldenstock of Parents Against Nonsense Texting (PANT) says that her group are petitioning mobile phone companies to make them stop sending texts that are incomprehensible. So far the group has met with little luck.
‘We are sick and tired of sending our children messages asking where they are and getting a load of random letters as a response,’ Oldenstock yelled at me down the phone. ‘We want our kids to send proper messages that make sense. Now, the phone companies tell us that they can’t prevent people sending messages that don’t make sense because a few French people here and there might not get their texts. But we know why they don’t want to do it; it’s all about the money. Well, as parents we’re not going to take it any longer!’
Oldenstock went on. ‘I don’t care what the eggheads say about Lewis Carroll and James Joyce inventing their own language and escaping from the restrictivities of accepted usage! They still followed semantic and syntactic systematization!’ At this point Molly banged her hand on the table for effect but did so a little too hard and was hospitalized. Our thoughts go out to her family.
And so, despite the naysayers, freeform texting is not going to go anywhere. Indeed, its usage will seemingly grow, as dorky kids start learning about it weeks after it was cool and start doing it in a feeble attempt to gain credibility. It looks set to cross over into everyday life too, as psychiatrists are starting to use it as an aid to psychoanalysis. Who knows, it may not be long before you are sending text messages that look like Croatian shopping lists.
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