Thursday, 18 September 2008

Choose Your Own Imaginary Review: Part 2

Click here to see Part 1 of this exciting and culturally relevant series. Gravity and human/appliance romance won their respective polls this week, with ‘Things Falling Out of the Sky’ beating ‘Foodstuffs’ into second place, and ‘The love between a man and a sandwich toaster’ rallying after an early lead by ‘Tits’. Incidentally, the early popularity of this option prompted Future Mrs Imaginary Reviewer to comment, brilliantly, “Someone appears to be stuffing the ballot box with ‘Tits’. I will leave you with that image as we continue with the review!

With a great idea in your head, you – The Imaginary Reviewer – begin to type, starting with the title and the first couple of scene-setting paragraphs:

Suicide Review – John Doe and his Sandwich Toaster

For sheer drama this week, few could have anticipated the events that led to a young man throwing himself out of a balloon in the Norfolk countryside. Like many tragedies of this nature, a doomed romance was the reason, and in true Romeo and Juliet fashion, the object of the young man’s affections was exterminated at the same time. And therefore, as a true testament to this forbidden love, the first witnesses on the scene found not only a man who had died from his injuries, but also an electric sandwich toaster, closed around the dead man’s penis. Understandably, neither implement remained in working order.

So far, so unusual; indeed, there are numerous elements of this suicide that differ from the norm. But does this necessarily make it a good one? Those with long memories may recall the death of Michael Hoodwink, an Australian artist who impaled himself on a breadstick. But while this suicide was far from normal, critics called it “derivative…almost base in its puerility” (A. A. Gill of The Times), “an unimaginative end to an unimaginative artist” (Germaine Greer in the Guardian) and “utter shite” (Umberto Eco in the Washington Post). So what can we make of this suicide?

What indeed? What will be the overall impression of you, the Imaginary Reviewer?

What indeed? What will be the overall impression of you, The Imaginary Reviewer?
An overwhelmingly fabulous suicide
Excellent intentions, but poor delivery
Trite, awful from start to finish, one of the worst you've seen
It was slow to start, but the pace quickened and was all the better for it
One of the most average suicides you've ever experienced free polls

And on what will you base this assessment?

And on what will you base this assessment?
The lack of dragon- and wizard-shaped soapstone carvings
A reliance on the influence of the Golden Age of Italian suicides
The obvious, yet uncredited role of an anonymous third party
Various often overlooked details, such as the splatter of blood and the wording of the suicide note
An abundance of kittens free polls


Lindsey said...

I'm not even sure what I just reviewed.

Mo said...

Wha! (I'm not even sure what that means, but it just came out of my mouth, so I'm throwin' it in there.)

I NEED that book cover, blown up and installed at the head of my bed. Now.

minijonb said...

i vote for fabulous suicide because of all the freakin' kittens.

Falwless said...

I'm with Lindsey.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Lindsey & Falwless - Last week the people spoke and they wanted to review something falling from the sky that involved the forbidden love between a man and a sandwich toaster. I figured that this meant we should review the man's heartbroken suicide. Suicides are regularly reviewed in the Danish and Dutch press, with highly-paid pundits giving suicide ratings on a scale of 1 to 10 for imaginativeness, flair and technique.

Mo: A limited-edition print will be available soon.

Minijonb: If I were to commit suicide, I would certainly include as many kittens as possible. I'd also try to take as many people with me as possible, but that's beside the point.

BeckEye said...

I don't care about any of these. I want to see what happens to the kid in the gay bar.