Monday, 29 September 2008

The Imaginary Review Gone Wild! Too Hot For Blogger!

I’ve recently written some reviews that have, upon subsequent re-reading, appeared to be a little too close to the bone for my liking. It is clear that these reviews, if I were to enter them in my Blogger account, would probably cause offence to the casual reader. (You know who you are, casual reader! You’re the one who pops by when searching for reviews of the “Magic Treehouse Musical” or the “New Puff Daddy Album”. You’re also highly intrigued by the picture of the romance novel cover featuring Bill Clinton! Don’t worry! I still love you, even if you never return to the site after realising it’s not what you were looking for!)

Because of these more risqué reviews, I’ve decided to explore other outlets for them, just as a temporary thing. I’ve been looking at my options, and while nothing is set in stone yet, I’m thinking of dealing with a Pay per View provider to create a special one-off entitled: The Imaginary Review Gone Wild! Too Hot For Blogger! It should be available soon on a special Pay per ReView basis, and I’m going to give you a special sneak preview now, with some exclusive extracts. Enjoy!

“…Itinerary problems forced me to arrive at the games a couple of weeks late, but they were still going on when I did get there. But after seeing some of the events, I regretted my attendance greatly. The sportsmanship at these events – or lack thereof – is, I believe, a major stumbling block for the organisers. I don’t care how exciting the events are, the International Olympic Committee has to deal with the cheating and poor form on display. For a fairly small example, take the sprint I witnessed yesterday. The runners were so sure of themselves and so arrogant that all of them ran the entire 100 metres with their eyes closed. While some people may have been impressed with this bravado, for this reviewer it signalled the end of the Olympic Games’ claim to friendliness and brotherhood.

Even worse was what I saw this morning, again on the race track. I daresay I have never witnessed such bare-faced cheating during a sporting event, and I’ve been to an Italian football game. The competitors in the race were all, to a man, using wheeled carriages to propel themselves. As can be expected from such behaviour, their times for the 400 metres race were quite, quite impressive. And the worst thing about this blatant dishonesty? The officials just let it all happen, as if nothing was wrong. Presumably they were in cahoots with the cheating competitors, and everyone involved ought to be ashamed of themselves…” – From The Imaginary Reviewer Goes to the Paralympics

“…but while Gerald Ford’s inclusion on the DVD is mercifully brief, the same can’t be said for George Bush Sr. The footage of him and Barbara is about as erotic as polystyrene potty, and contains about the same amount of unpleasant squeaking. There were moments during the fifteen-minute encounter when I felt like I was watching two manatees fighting.

Former President Carter, on the other hand, was a completely different proposition. Watching him slowly and tenderly make love to the young lady in his bed (no mention is given of who this woman is), one is certainly reminded that Mister Carter was a very generous lover...” – From DVD Review: The Presidential Sex Tape Collection

A scene from George H. W. Bush's night-vision sex tape. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

“…Many of the ladies on show were quite blatant in their displays of lower leg. Some of the ankles on show were so shapely that I was quite short of breath after only a few minutes. I can only hope that saying the Lord’s Prayer repeatedly after watching this TV series will help my soul to avoid the pain of eternal Hellfire. Even now, I can still see the harlots’ ankles when I close my eyes, and the visions haunt me even in my dreams; I now wake up feeling so shocked and affronted that my manhood has usually risen up in sympathetic anger….” From the review of the new Fox TV show, Victorian England’s Hottest Ankles

Contact your cable provider for more information on The Imaginary Review Gone Wild! Pay per Review. And be thankful I didn't make more jokes about the Paralympic Games, you heathens.


Dr Zibbs said...

Imagine seeing that coming at you in the night.

Mo said...

Oh my god, Victorian England's Hottest Ankles?

Pure brilliance, I tell ya.

Falwless said...

I will never get that image out of my head now.

(Nor will I ever want to. Hubba hubba.)

ÄsK AliCë said...

I can't stop laughing about the wheelchair I going to hell? Can I sit at your table?

Red said...

Night vision makes everything creepier.

BeckEye said...

What was that sex tape called? One Night in Bush? A Bird in the Hand and Two in the Bush?

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Zibbs: I don't know if I'd swerve out of fear or deliberately hit it head on to kill it.

Mo: Those strumpets are still haunting my good Christian dreams.

Fal: I knew you'd like that.

Alice: Yay! I'm glad someone appreciated the wheelchair joke. That took an entire evening to make up.

Red: As do naked ex-presidents.

Beckeye: Or, "A Bird in the Hand and a Bush in the Bush"?