Friday, 26 September 2008

Choose Your Own Imaginary Review: Part 3

Click here for last week’s instalment, in which we decided to review the suicide of a young man whose love for a sandwich toaster made him jump out of a balloon with the implement still attached to his penis. I left you to decide what the review’s overall impression of the suicide would be, and what would be the cause of it.

Well, it seems that you guys weren’t particularly impressed with the suicide, narrowly deciding that it was “Trite, one of the worst you’ve seen”. The reason for this? An abundance of kittens. With this in mind, let’s get back to the review!

Suicide Review – John Doe and his Sandwich Toaster (Continued)

I’ll tell you what we can make out of this suicide: Not a lot. This was a trite, unoriginal, boring self-destruction from start to finish. Nothing about this suicide was in any way interesting. From the note (“Blah blah blah I’m so depressed and unoriginal and I love my sandwich toaster no matter what anyone says because I’m totally lacking in creativity blah blah blah”) to the shoddy landing from the fall (which scored zero points for splat factor and gut distance), I can recommend nothing about the way John Doe ended his life. Even the clothes he was wearing during his final minutes looked like they’d been stolen from a homeless scarecrow.

And the kittens! Why oh why did he involve so many kittens? The Godfather of great suicide, Gustav K. Lampton, said in 1963 that the inclusion of cats of any kind in a suicide should be limited to three at most, and everyone since then has followed this rule. Filling the basket of his balloon with so many young felines gave John Doe’s suicide a confused, childish tinge that would certainly look out of place when compared to the great hara-kiris of the past. And there are so many unanswered questions, like why did he include the kittens in the first place? Was he trying to smother himself in them? Were they there for reassurance? For sustenance if he was trapped up a tree? Whatever, it seems such a waste that none survived after the balloon crash landed in a goat field several miles away. That was the biggest tragedy in all this.
We're nearing the end now. What is the sad twist to this tragic tale?

What is the twist to this tale?
The Sandwich Toaster's family are suing the young man's family
The young man's family are suing Isaac Newton for inventing gravity
The kittens' families are suing me for killing them off
The witnesses are suing the dead young man for shocking them
Some of the witnesses to the suicide were so moved that they formed a polygamous sect free polls

You're also going to have to give this suicide a rating. How will you decide it?

How are you going to decide a rating for this suicide?
By considering all the evidence and coming up with a fair and balanced number
By picking a number out of your ass
Roll 2 six sided dice and subtract the result from your 'Luck' score
Pick a card, any card
By asking a stranger for their phone number and adding all the digits together free polls


Clippy Mat said...

I cannot take the pressure of leaving the first comment on this hilarious post. That would leave me open to being reviewed. and who needs that?

BeckEye said...

This just got a lot more fun. I love picking things out of my ass!

Red said...

Sir. Issac Newton has it coming.

Anonymous said...

Wait... the kittens DIED? You bastard! I'd sue you except you're doing my dishes right now...

Distributorcap said...

the russians are coming
the russians are coming