Wednesday, 3 September 2008

The Clückenfeed Correlation

Professor Jonas Q Clückenfeed’s resume is highly impressive. The scientist has researched in more fields than anyone else, and as a result he has the most compelling collection of cow pats in the world. He has invented more acronyms than the EFTIPMAABLE, and he was the first biologist to dissect a scalpel. Indeed, his CV makes for very impressive reading, but I am a bit confused as to why he keeps sending it to me. I can’t offer him a job...I’m a reviewer! I’m not hiring any scientists! Why would I?

But Clückenfeed is to be highly praised for his latest paper, an epic scientific endeavour several years in the making. In this ground-breaking new work, it is clear that Jonas has uncovered truths about the universe and reality that have important repercussions for every single human being on the planet. And also some dogs. And maybe mice.

The reason for this monumental significance, this historic merit that Clückenfeed’s paper has warranted, is simply stated. It is the Clückenfeed Correlation.

For years, Professor Jonas Q Clückenfeed has studied the music that emanates from people’s cars, and has finally put, in mathematical terms, what many have suspected but none have been able to prove: That the volume of music coming from car windows is inversely proportional to the quality of the music. Or, as Clückenfeed says himself: “The louder the music, the shitter it is.”

Of course, if the revelations ended there, then this would merely be a good, worthwhile paper. But Clückenfeed does not end there, and the paper is incredible as a result. He goes on to elucidate on a whole range of related phenomena, the most impressive of which is his postulation of a theoretical three-dimensional probability cloud in which the higher volumes of music create a denser mist around both the R vector and the B vector. In other words, the louder (and therefore, shitter) the music, the higher the probability that this music will be R&B. The implications from this observation are, of course, numerous.

The final conclusions in the paper are also impressive. After close collaboration with psychiatrists, Professor Clückenfeed has theorised that the people who have the shittest taste in music are, understandably, insecure about their awful aesthetic judgement. This insecurity leads to a heightened desire for acceptance, which leads to their playing it louder while they seek admiring glances from passers-by. But when they see nothing but grimaces and disapproving looks from the people in the street, they feel that they need to play the godawful earshit even louder. Such an unfortunate instance of negative feedback can reach truly catastrophic proportions, and recent observations have found increasing cases of people in cars playing bass so loud that it rattles their chassis. This phenomenon, which Clückenfeed has entitled “Flatulent Aural Bodywork Assault”, can lower the value of a vehicle by many, many guineas.

In summary, Professor Clückenfeed’s marvellous new paper should go a long way to helping our understanding of dickheads who think everyone wants to hear the latest pedestrian pseudo-hip-hop shite, when in actual fact everyone would like to see them chained to the hoods of their hairdresser-impressing glorified rollerskates and pummelled by a team of weightlifting Belarusians until they weep like the waste of carbon that they are.

I can’t wait to read the follow up article, in which the good professor will investigate why the earshite is usually played by people whose taste in cars is similarly retarded.

Any readers who enjoy playing loud, derivatively crap music from their cars for all to hear and who wish to complain about this post are cordially invited to go to Hell.


Falwless said...

But when they see nothing but grimaces and disapproving looks from the people in the street, they feel that they need to play the godawful earshit even louder.


'Course, I'm sort of afraid I might be one of these retards. I like my music LOUD.

Anonymous said...


Del-V said...

This correlation is extremely accurate.

Feisty Democrat said...

Cluckenfeed is a true genius of our times. I love it when these douchebags leaves their car running in front of a convenient store that they run into. I never have a spare stick of dynamite in my pocket when this happens. Dammit!

Mo said...

Oh god, not the Cluckenfeed Correlation!! I nearly failed calculus because of this beastly formula...

Anonymous said...

Tony can not agree more, bro. And he has now adopted "earshit" as word of the week particularly when my halfwit neighbor Dirk Kuntzten (yes really) plays his god damn country redneck swill at 3 o'clock in the morning.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Fallywally: I can imagine; you're a Slipknot fan, aintcha?

Suze: Spread the word!

Delboy: Wait until you see his car size/penis size negative correlation conjecture. That will blow you away.

MD: Normally I just take a dump on their back seat.

Mo: You just have to use this easily remembered mnemonic:
Given The Weather, Let's BeLieve the HYPE, Mrs Thompson-Fifield!

Sir Tony of Spunk: Please, use it as much as possible. That and Apewail and cockroar. I want all my invented words to make the Oxford dictionary (but not Webster, stupid prescriptive piece of crap).