Friday, 24 October 2008

New Technology Review: The Gravalax 43M

CeteraPeter Industries have just released the Gravalax 43M, the long awaited update to their outstandingly successful Di-partichoke series of Deltron 5050 Waveform Collectivizers. Since the company amalgamated with Schismbot Technologies and Uncle Peter’s Brilliant Contraptions Inc., CeteraPeter’s control of the Waveform Collectivizer market has grown by a factor of at least lots and lots and lots. Indeed, if one were to ask a knowledgeable journalist for a metaphor to describe CeteraPeter’s dominance of the industry, they would probably come up with a giant undulating blob that encompasses everything on the Eastern Seaboard, with eyes as big as houses.

So, the question on everybody’s mouthpieces is: has such dominance made CeteraPeter Industries lazy? Will the Gravalax series perform as well as the Di-partichokes? Or will it be another Cropule NgwyTwentyTwenty, the ill-fated Waveform Collectivizer that was removed from shop shelves after users couldn’t find the ‘on’ switch?

Actually, those were the three questions on everybody’s mouthpieces. Many questions! And only one Imaginary Reviewer to answer them! To it I go!

On first use, the 43M has a luxuriant freebase potential with regard to the esses and exes, with particularly high cromulence in the upper echelons. I couldn’t find a way to remove the white noise around the infinity-plus-one ratio, but that’s not unusual in seaweed-powered machines like this. I hear that CeteraPeter Industries have recognised this problem and plan to release a free patch that will fix all kelp-based errors by Smarch, so this should not remain an issue for long.

Another observation about general use with the 43M: I was unable to perform a Capstan Furrow Analysis with the machine unless I removed all of my clothes. This is not necessarily a complaint.

One of the main tests of a good Waveform Collectivizer is how well it adjusts the suspended sevenths with regard to negative equity in the poop-shute. With some tweaking I managed to eke out a turnaround of point two five, but the default setting is negative goose, and nobody wants to lose a goose. This is probably the biggest weakness of the device.

Also bad: if you use the 43M for more than three hours straight, it will start to attract Dickensian urchins. I think this was also a problem with the Di-Partichoke XL5, and it seems that CeteraPeter have been unable to fix it as yet. My recommendation for dealing with this problem involves a crossbow and a shovel; you may find a better method.

All in all, the Gravalax 43M has some interesting new features that make it stand out from other Waveform Collectivizers, such as the Bifurcation Ray and the Snooze Button. It’s probably the best in its class, but doesn’t really warrant an upgrade for anyone who owns a Di-Partichoke 900 Series and above. At sixpence per metric ounce, the 43M is cheaper than a platinum hippo, but not by much. I’d wait six months, and hope for a price decrease or lottery win before purchasing.

The Gravalax 43M from CeteraPeter Industries is available from all branches of Qwertylicious, Megabyte Barn and Binary Ferret. You can get it in any colour, so long as it’s transparent. Sorry, I’ve not been well this week.


Red said...

You had me at "Gravlax." And by had me, I mean made me hungry.

Dr Zibbs said...

Wait. Is this one of those space age vibrators?

BeckEye said...

IR, you seem like a man who would fight for my honor.

Clippy Mat said...

don't forget the gravalax 43m needs support from a threbnot dryfruster with a mormontabernacle overdrive.

Binary Ferret has them on sale this week but hurry, they're going fast.
get well soon!

Gwen said...

If I already own a platinum hippo, can I make a trade?

Falwless said...

I'm a little overwhelmed.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Red: Mmm, sweet sweet Gravlax. Now I'm hungy too.

Dr Zibbs: I thought that would be obvious...

Beckeye: I'd fight for many people's honour, so long as it had a 'u' in it.

Clippy Mat: Yes, of course! Apologies, I omitted this from my review in the editing process.

Gwen: You're a very lucky girl.

Fal: That's okay, it's perfectly natural. Just go with it.