The Best New University Courses for 09/10

These days, everyone goes to university. People don’t start their first full-time job until they have enough letters after their name to earn a thousand points on a Scrabble board. But for every Business, Law or Philosophy and Psychology degree, there’s a useless one, like Surfing, Klingon or Applied Mathematics. And even more new degrees are being opened every year. I took a look at some of them, like a voyeur in an exhibitionist factory.

First off, Paris Hiltonology at Dundee University is an excellent degree. Obviously it leads to a BSc, being a highly scientific program. Classes include Canine Shrinkage: The Fundamentals, Vacuity 101 and BFF Selection. An extended Press Manipulation module lasts for two semesters, with the first being a general introduction and the second looking at detailed ways to promote your sex tape. Having read through the course materials, I can see this being a very worthwhile and interesting course. Many people believe that by 2020 the most common job in the developed world will be ‘Vacuous Celebrity’, so this qualification will be a boon to all interested. A warning, though: this will be a tough course to be accepted into. Anyone with a grade average of C or above is unlikely to be considered.

Both Oxford and Cambridge will this year begin offering an MA in Running Around in Circles. This is definitely going to be an advanced course, with both practical and theory elements. Of the two universities, I’d recommend Oxford’s programme over Cambridge’s, as the former has invested £27million in a new circle-running stadium and wind-tunnel.

The Online University of North America and Europe is offering a new course, entitled Making Money Using the Internet. There are no entrance qualifications needed, just send a cheque for $1200 to their PO number and you’ll be enrolled. I wish I could say more about this course, but I still haven’t received the materials yet, and I was accepted over six months ago. Sorry!

For those of you who are in full-time employment but who wish to expand your brainclout, there are also many exciting and interesting night courses available. I highly recommend the Toronto School of Continuing Studies’ Certificate in Wife Appreciation. From full-bodied to slightly fruity, this course will let you appreciate wives of all varieties. Course fees include samples of the wives and a book to make your own notes in. I really enjoyed this course, having had very little experience of wives in the past; from the first class to the last, I found myself learning more and more while having fun (and testing a lot of wives, too!).

Finally, MIT has a new course entitled Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Studies. With one class taught by Ty Pennington himself, this course covers such subjects as Being as Pathetic as Possible to Get on the Show, Shelves: How Many is Too Many?, Bullying a Neighbourhood into Working for Free and What to do When the Truck Breaks Down and Won’t Move Out of the Way of the New House in the Big Reveal. This is a terrible course with no redeeming features. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. And not just because they refused to decorate my apartment on the grounds that I’m “not tragic enough.”

Bloody students, with their long hair and their alcopops and their Jean Paul Satre and their low-cut jeans…in my day it were conscription or you’d work down t’ mines.