Thursday, 7 May 2009

New National Holidays

Right now in Japan people are just getting back to their normal work and school routines, having just enjoyed Golden Week, a period of several national holidays in the space of seven days. Canada, the UK and the US all have at least one national holiday this month, while Turkey celebrates “Cannon Day”, a day in which anyone who owns a cannon is allowed to take the day off, so long as they tend to their weapon.

But people are greedy, lazy little creatures, and we always want more days off work for eating beans in our underwear and laughing at videos of other people’s misfortune on the Internet. For that reason various governments are currently considering the initiation of several new national holidays. If I didn’t review them you’d call me a charlatan, so without further ado I’ll get on it like a Swedish postman gets on a bike.

Here in Canada, they’re considering making the third Wednesday in June National Hump Day. On this day everyone in the country will get the day off work to celebrate the fact that we’re already more than halfway through the week. To commemorate the day, people with humps on their back will be entitled to discount shirts at selected outfitters, and humpback whales will be sold by the kilogram in the street by men on scooters. Of course, having a day off in the middle of the week negates the whole idea of hump day; by the end of Tuesday, you’ve only got two more days of work left in the week, so this is a very silly idea and whoever thought of it should be shot.

In America, they’re thinking about creating Gatorade Presents National Local Pride Day. This day will be located on the third Monday after the second full moon before the Vernal Equinox. Nobody knows when this is. What nonsense.

Back in England, Tea Appreciation Month is on the cards, with a National Tea Drinking Day being the culmination. This is slated to occur in November. As part of the celebrations, the Queen will personally select twelve dangerous criminals to be drowned in Oolong, while failure to drink at least one cuppa a day for the month will result in chemical castration. I think there is nothing wrong with this plan, and I shall write a letter to my MP forthwith demanding he sign a petition.

Australian politicians are right this moment debating the wisdom of National Cake Day. Can you imagine a day dedicated to cake? It would be the best day ever! There’ll be free cake giveaways, streetlights will be covered in icing for the day, and a genetically engineered man-o’cake will roam the streets, trying to hide from the general public. Once he is found, everyone will be able to eat him alive, and his screams will echo into the night as a sign of National Cake Day’s success. This is the best idea yet in the history of the world and I will move to Australia if it comes to fruition.

National National Holiday Day is going to be the third Friday in April every year in Belgium. Everyone will celebrate their love of national holidays by reminiscing about national holidays past and making plans for the next national holidays to come. Babies born on National National Holiday Day will be given an ice cream. As everyone loves national holidays, I think this is a great idea, and I am only sad that Belgium will not be a country for very long and that the residents won’t get to appreciate the day to its full potential.

12 comments:

red said...

Have you been starring in my window on my days off?

Seriously, though, we need more damn holidays. At least 2 a month...at least!!

Tony Spunk said...

You lost me at National Hump Day, dude. I'm already polishing my jewels in anticipation.

Travel said...

Seriously i also believe we should have 2 months of vacations in an year to relax and chill out.

Soda and Candy said...

National holidays are greatly prized in Australia. We take them very seriously.

This was a great post, IR, but I am shocked to learn that you are Canadian and not British as I had previously assumed for some reason. Probably because you're so articulate.

BeckEye said...

I think National Cake Day should be brought to the US (along with any hot Aussies who wish to come over).

Will all radio stations only play Cake songs all day? That's kind of cool. Maybe they could throw "Macarthur Park" in every once in a while, just for variety.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Red: Yes, and yes!

Tony: You know, as soon as I wrote the first 'Hump', I thought: "This one's for you, Tony!"

Travel: At once, or spread throughout? If it's the former, I suggest becoming a teacher.

S&C: Don't worry! I am British, but live in Canada. The oft-mentioned Future Mrs Imaginary Reviewer lured me here by way of Japan (But that's another story).

Beckeye: Someone left my copy of 'The Distance' in the rain, and I don't think that I can take it, because it took so long to find it in the record stores, and I'll never have that CD single agaaaaaiiiiin! Ooooooh noooooooooo!

words...words...words... said...

I second the idea of National Cake Day coming to the USA. And provisions should be made to specifically include ice cream cake and specifically forbid carrot cake.

Frankly, I'd settle for actually getting off work on the holidays we already have.

Dealer Man said...

I don't care what holidays we add as long as they get added in August. The only month in the US with no holidays. Cake Day would go well there.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I think we should take spring and winter solstice off, internationally. It would bring the entire world together- we could all hold hands and skip around and stir up some global togetherness. Naked.

ad said...

I'm celebrating the Brazilian holiday, No Body Hair Festival, right now.

Yiiiiikes!

Exotic Countries said...

Seriously i also believe we should have 2 months of vacations in an year to relax and chill out.

chris said...

oh yes I do agree that we should have two months holidays :)