New Number Review: Eight (The Remake)

The number Eight has been popular for a great many years now, and has lots of fans in the worlds of science, astronomy and sports, amongst others. Our base ten system of counting has ensured a plethora of sequels to Eight, including Eighteen, Eighty and Eight Hundred and Eighty Eight. Each sequel has varying degrees of popularity.

In an attempt to cash in on Eight’s fame and prestige, the number has been the subject of a big-budget remake. Fans of the figure are divided between those who have excitement at the prospect of a worthy addition to the number pantheon and those who are scared that this new Eight will debase the essence of the original. I’ve had a look at the new digit, and I give you my thoughts here.

Due to a convoluted time-travelling plot involving the number Twenty Two going back in time to prevent the Square Root of Negative Four becoming an Imaginary Number, the Eight Remake is on a completely different timeline to the original. This is very important to remember, as it has allowed the makers of the new figure to take it in directions very different to those of the original.

These new directions vary between inspired and godawful. The new Eight is no longer divisible by four, and cannot be multiplied by twelve. These changes are definitely in the latter category, as they make using the number incredibly difficult. What if I have eight cats and I want to split them between four people? I can’t do that any more.

The good changes to the new Eight include the fact that its square root is now a whole number, and the number itself is more shiny. Also, raising any other number to the power of the new Eight is a lot easier, and provides the user with a picture of a shark.

Fans of the original Eight will be interested in the cast of the new version. The digits that add up to Eight are now a lot more young and attractive, and two of them (I’m not saying which) actually have a chemistry that goes far beyond their counterparts in the original. Its impressive budget also means that the Remake of Eight has better special effects: eight explosions are now much more impressive than they used to be, and the same is true for a fight involving eight people.

Overall, the remake of Eight is highly enjoyable, and a fine addition to the world of numbers. I’d even go as far as to say it is worthy of the title of ‘Eight’, though some hardcore fans may disagree with me. True, it does diverge from the original Eight in many ways, not always successfully, but at the same time it is its own number, and that is to the new Eight’s credit.

Eight will be on widespread release in June. Previews are currently available to Jon and Kate, if they’re interested. If not, sod them. Seriously, if they don’t want the new Eight, that’s their loss, and I won’t shed any tears for them. The bloody ingrates. Now look what they’ve done. They’ve gone and made me mad with their New Eight Hating. Their hEighting, if you will. Just because they’ve got a crapload of kids they think they can dismiss a new numerical entity with an arrogant sneer and a wave of the hand? Well they’ve got a lot to learn. Ooooh, they make. Me. So. Angry!