Thursday, 21 May 2009

Children's Magazines

I have always loved magazines, since I was very small. Even now, I read many magazines on a weekly basis, mostly to find their editor’s address so I can send them begging letters. Sometimes I even read the articles, and then I sneer at the amateurs who write them, laughing at how low the journal in question has fallen, and how much they need The Imaginary Reviewer writing for them, to bring them up to a high level of quality.

This week I decided to take a look at the children’s magazines on offer, and see if they’re as bad as all the other magazines that don’t even have the class to respond to my unsolicited submissions.

This month’s copy of Kid Blast! magazine has a wealth of features and news. For example, there’s an exclusive interview with Dora the Explorer’s former boyfriend. He tells of the popular character’s harrowing addiction to painkillers and sherbet. Many pages are dedicated to secretly obtained photographs from Lazytown, where popular stars Stephanie and Robbie Rotten have been romantically linked. Also in this fascinating magazine are questions about Maisy Mouse’s recent weight problem: Could it be due to a serious illness? And which of the Backyardigans is gay? Find out inside!

Kindergartener Quarterly features an essay by Umberto Eco on the multilayered empirical interpretations of the Spot the Dog stories, which I found to be both thought provoking and enjoyable. I especially liked the very pretty pictures. A new short story by Margaret Atwood about a girl and her favourite pony is also a good addition to this journal, as is the investigative report on the economics of transport and how they are affecting anthropomorphic tank-engines. On the other hand, the article which investigates the possibility of a future terrorist attack by the Grinch is nothing short of salacious hackery.

Finally, Martha Stewart Pre-Schooler magazine is jam-packed with great ideas for the average three-year-old. This month, she shows how to liven up any dolls’ tea-party by adding a wonderful blend of imaginary spices to the non-existent tea. There are also fun ideas for brightening up one’s Wendy house with recycled dummies and Lego bricks, and also the top ten ways to wrest Mummy’s attention away from that annoying new baby brother.

Children should be supervised at all times when reading magazines and books, lest their innocent brains become influenced by subversive ideas, and they learn that they’re adopted.

9 comments:

Soda and Candy said...

I was personally quite shocked by Kid Blast's nude Spongebob photo essay by Annie Leibowitz.... although now we know why he is called "Squarepants".

o_O

BeckEye said...

Martha Stewart Pre-Schooler is a must for parents who want to pass down their crippling OCD to their kids.

red said...

I only read Vouge Jr. Mainly to see all the expensive stuff 3 year-olds can afford that I can't.

Dealer Man said...

You should definitely look over Time Jr's "Toddler of the Year" issue. It features a great article listing all the things an average child achieves by age one that former President George W. Bush never will.

Soda and Candy said...

Also, I bet you will say that you only read Playboy Jr. for the articles.

Grant Miller said...

One of the best posts I've read in ages. I'm not surprised Sportacus wasn't into Stephanie.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

S&C: Agreed, though I think the furore over the pictures was quite exagerrated.

Beckeye: And who doesn't?

Red: That bloody Tooth Fairy pays better than my boss!

Dealer Man: Oh yes, some can even walk and talk at the same time!

S&C: The cartoons, mostly.

Grant Miller: Thanks! Yes, Sportacus is definitely a man of more refined taste.

Amy Green. said...

HAHAHAHA

''This month, she shows how to liven up any dolls’ tea-party by adding a wonderful blend of imaginary spices to the non-existent tea.''

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