Monday, 4 May 2009

Imaginary Drug Testing


Firstly, thanks to everyone who sent me messages of goodwill last week with regard to my unfortunate malady. The silver lining at the end of this cloud of roomspinny earbuzz is that while in the doctor’s office I was able to avail myself of some prescription forms without being caught. Like a child in a sweet shop I found myself able to try any drugs that the pharmacist had in stock, and so I picked the most interesting ones and have my findings for you now.

The first such medicine was Xexox Palatoxox, from Dimaxahat Chemicals. This didn’t do anything for the symptoms of my ear infection, sadly. But it did increase my sense of smell by a factor of about five million. I can now detect an unopened box of granola bars from within the next building and by smelling a person’s breath I can tell what they had for dinner before they’ve eaten it. Also if someone farts in my general proximity it affects me so much that I have to scrunch up my face to the extent that I look like a Star Trek alien. Apparently this drug is intended to treat eczema.

Peroxibucket Formaldehyppo was amazing for my problematic ear canal woes. When I took this drug all the pain and discomfort fell away; sadly, this was because I had lost all feeling in my head, face, neck and brain. I was able to walk and act normally, but I had no consciousness above my shoulders. As a result, I can only recommend this drug for anyone who wants to simulate being a host of E! Entertainment News.

The best drug in terms of flavour was Trioxybelieveitsnotbutteryoumoronsdiazemine. It tasted like strawberries mixed with sunshine and pep. I waited for it to have an effect on my wellbeing but when nothing happened after two hours I read the instructions and it turns out there was a mistake with my prescription and I’d been given Skittles instead. Brilliant!

Doctor Fforbes’s Ecstatic Medicine will make you forget your troubles and dance the afternoon away. After taking some of the pills, the ticking of the clock on the wall provided me with a highly effervescent rhythm and I was moved to perform the Jitterbug, the Charleston, the Mop-Shaker and both the Hootingale 2-step and 4-step, all in my own living room. After this I became quite dehydrated and was moved to imbibe some dandelion and burdock. What larks!

Finally, I should also mention the worst drug I prescribed myself. Nearoin is supposed to be as close to Heroin as it’s possible to get legally, but I found it to be nowhere as good as the real thing. In fact, after shooting up a vialful of this rancid stuff, I found myself craving the Vietnamese Horse-Downer that I’d had on my last jaunt to Asia. I’d write more about Nearoin right now but I’m mashed out of my skull on Morotgana.

The Imaginary Reviewer would like to remind his reader that winners don’t do drugs (and get caught).

6 comments:

red said...

I need some Doctor Fforbes’s Ecstatic Medicine right now. Double F's mean it works!

words...words...words... said...

I'll just have some Skittles. I'm a straight arrow.

Soda and Candy said...

Hahaha awesome.

Mathdude said...

Ah, you don't need any of that stuff - just try some good ol' Dr. McGillicuddy! The good doctor always comes through for me.

Dealer Man said...

I'll take any leftover Xexox you may have. Since my eczema is only a mild case I may only take half doses, but the enhanced sense of smell might come in handy next time I lose my keys.

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