New National Holidays

Right now in Japan people are just getting back to their normal work and school routines, having just enjoyed Golden Week, a period of several national holidays in the space of seven days. Canada, the UK and the US all have at least one national holiday this month, while Turkey celebrates “Cannon Day”, a day in which anyone who owns a cannon is allowed to take the day off, so long as they tend to their weapon.

But people are greedy, lazy little creatures, and we always want more days off work for eating beans in our underwear and laughing at videos of other people’s misfortune on the Internet. For that reason various governments are currently considering the initiation of several new national holidays. If I didn’t review them you’d call me a charlatan, so without further ado I’ll get on it like a Swedish postman gets on a bike.

Here in Canada, they’re considering making the third Wednesday in June National Hump Day. On this day everyone in the country will get the day off work to celebrate the fact that we’re already more than halfway through the week. To commemorate the day, people with humps on their back will be entitled to discount shirts at selected outfitters, and humpback whales will be sold by the kilogram in the street by men on scooters. Of course, having a day off in the middle of the week negates the whole idea of hump day; by the end of Tuesday, you’ve only got two more days of work left in the week, so this is a very silly idea and whoever thought of it should be shot.

In America, they’re thinking about creating Gatorade Presents National Local Pride Day. This day will be located on the third Monday after the second full moon before the Vernal Equinox. Nobody knows when this is. What nonsense.

Back in England, Tea Appreciation Month is on the cards, with a National Tea Drinking Day being the culmination. This is slated to occur in November. As part of the celebrations, the Queen will personally select twelve dangerous criminals to be drowned in Oolong, while failure to drink at least one cuppa a day for the month will result in chemical castration. I think there is nothing wrong with this plan, and I shall write a letter to my MP forthwith demanding he sign a petition.

Australian politicians are right this moment debating the wisdom of National Cake Day. Can you imagine a day dedicated to cake? It would be the best day ever! There’ll be free cake giveaways, streetlights will be covered in icing for the day, and a genetically engineered man-o’cake will roam the streets, trying to hide from the general public. Once he is found, everyone will be able to eat him alive, and his screams will echo into the night as a sign of National Cake Day’s success. This is the best idea yet in the history of the world and I will move to Australia if it comes to fruition.

National National Holiday Day is going to be the third Friday in April every year in Belgium. Everyone will celebrate their love of national holidays by reminiscing about national holidays past and making plans for the next national holidays to come. Babies born on National National Holiday Day will be given an ice cream. As everyone loves national holidays, I think this is a great idea, and I am only sad that Belgium will not be a country for very long and that the residents won’t get to appreciate the day to its full potential.