Tuesday, 26 August 2008

The New J K Rowling Book: Reviewed!

Much to the surprise of her biggest fans, J K Rowling’s new book is totally unlike any of her previous publications. The book, titled How to Increase the Traffic to Your Website, is a non-fiction guide to getting more and more new people to look at the contents of your blog. Readers expecting scenes of Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley in a magical new adventure are going to be let down by this book, which shows a new direction for the creator of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The majority of the information contained within this excellent work deal with attracting new readers to one’s website through search engines, like Google. One of the more interesting tips involves finding ways of including phrases in your blog that will trick people into thinking it contains information about something that interests them, when in actual fact it contains nothing of the sort. According to Rowling, including something along the lines of “Jay Z’s new album” or “John McCain homicide rumor” in otherwise-tangential sentences can increase one’s stats by up to 200%.

Another point driven home in J K Rowling’s new book is that tapping into the cultural zeitgeist is a big boon when attracting people to your site using irrelevant phrases and words. Using their knowledge of the things that people commonly search for, a good blogger can see their traffic rise and rise. There are many sites listing the most widely-searched words and phrases in a specific length of time, so that you can use this information to post a story about – for example - Coco Vandeweghe, Jimmy Carter and the cast of Dancing with the Stars 2008 running wild at the Democratic National Convention.

I was particularly intrigued by the chapter on the uses and abuses of pornography in attracting people to one’s website. According to Rowling, pretending to have naughty pictures of a popular, well-known actress or musician on your site will not help gain new readers, as it will still be low down in the Google rankings. What one must do is mention pictures of a lesser-known celebrity, or one whose appeal is limited to a select few. Claiming to have nude pictures of Kelly Ripa is a lot more beneficial than explicit Jessica Alba videos, as the former will be less prevalent on the net and your site will be more visible on the search engine. It is a fine line, however; a throwaway comment on the subject of “hardcore elephant fucking” may put you at the top of a search for such a term, but it is unlikely that many people will be typing it into Google. And let’s face it, do you really want that kind of reader on your site?

Aw, look at the cute kittens! Look at them! LOOK AT THEM! BASK IN THEIR ADORABILITY, YOU BASTARDS!

Finally, Rowling gives us some of the most blatant techniques for attracting new readers: using pictures and links. It’s a known fact that a picture of some really really cute kittens (like the one above) can increase your website’s audience tenfold. Getting someone else to link to your kitten post can help even further. In her new book, Rowling explains how, in a way that is clear, concise, and doesn’t mention Barack Obama’s secret lovechild.

To conclude, the latest J K Rowling book is full of great ways to trick people into coming to your website, which is especially handy if you’ve spent the last month or so in a cottage with no Internet access or on a last-minute trip to England to see your family and you’ve been a bit rubbish at updating your hilarious blog but you promise that you’ll be much better in the near future, honest.

The Imaginary Reviewer accepts no responsibility for Ashton Kutcher upskirt pics.


katrocket said...

Oh, IR, you have discovered a new level of hackdom, albeit with some remarkably clever style.

ÄsK AliCë said...

i'm not even really sure whaqt to say here....um, thanks for the laugh - I'll have to go right out and buy the non-existant book.

Do they accept Monopoly money?

Dr Zibbs said...

So what did she say about wizards?

Anonymous said...

Bless the kittens. A dude needs to see some pussy every day someplace. Yeah, I went there.

Mo said...

I'm looking, I'm looking! The kittens are incredibly adorable...please, please...you're hurting my eyelids. I beg you, remove the toothpicks. I'll keep looking at them, I swear...*sob*

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Kat: I get the 'clever' part, but 'hackdom'? I am confused!

Alice: I don't think you need to buy it, you've got a pretty large visitor base on your blog, from what I've seen!

Dr Zibbs: Wizards...don't use them when installing new hardware. Do it all yourself, like a man.

Tony: I would expect nothing less.

Mo: There will be an observation test in three hours. I suggest you keep looking.

Falwless said...

Okay, I just now read this. Between this and Some Guy's old puppy post, I'm beginning to think I have the ability to telepathically plagiarize. Which, really, is fucking awesome, if you ask me.