Thursday, 11 September 2008

Choose Your Own Imaginary Review, Part 1

In the interests of shameless gimmickry interactivity and reader input, I have decided to write an Imaginary Review that is completely decided and designed by you, the readers.

I used to love Choose Your Own Adventure stories as a kid, what with their “To fight the giant toaster oven, turn to page 113, to run away like the cowardly chicken shit you are, turn to page 67, if you have the Financial Advisor’s Amulet and wish to use it, turn to page 12,” shenanigans. These books really made me feel as if I was some crazy page-turning God, and now you can get the same feeling of review-writing omnipotence with this, my latest hare-brained scheme.

So starting today and on a weekly basis, I will start a review and give you some options to choose from. Choose wisely, and let’s see what kind of an Imaginary Review we can create…


Shall we begin?

It’s a normal Monday morning. You, the Imaginary Reviewer, get up as usual and check the mail. Now Toronto Magazine still haven’t responded to your letters, even after you began sending the editor pieces of your own fingernails and toenails to show how much you enjoy their publication. There are rejection letters from What Horse?, Gentleman’s Monthly Surprise and Pictures of Fast Cars with Women Holding Guns Draped Over Them Digest magazines. Each of them rejected the same article, ‘Winter Skin Care: Dos and Donts’. It’s a normal Monday morning.

After cleansing your perfect body with the finest natural oils and emollients, you enjoy a breakfast of steak, eggs, steak and steak. Remembering your adoring readers and how they sit anxiously by their computers for your latest Imaginary Review, you sit down at the keyboard, crack your knuckles, and open Microsoft Word.

But what should you review?

But what should you review?
A Book
A Film
An Object Falling From the Sky
A New Government Policy
A Foodstuff free polls

And what will be the theme of this thing that you are going to review?

And what will be the theme of this thing that you are going to review?
Those creepy mall guys who carve wizard and dragon candle holders out of soapstone
The love between a man and his sandwich toaster
The philosophical belief that God is a giant egg sitting atop a mountain of butter
War between the squirrels and kindergarten students free polls

Come back again at the same time next week, when the Imaginary Review will continue with things that YOU decided upon!

In the case of a tie, The Imaginary Reviewer reserves the right to cry like a little girl.


Clippy Mat said...

my review of you is in:
you are funny,
you are crazy,
you are hilarious, (see funny above)
you are seriously mental
your photo looks familiar where have i seen you before?
you make my day.
where do you come up with this stuff?

Clippy Mat said...

now i'm going to be late for work because i've gone back to the start.
i have not seen anything so funny for years.

Anonymous said...

Where did you find that CYOA cover?!? Sweet Jeebuz! Funniest. Thing. Ever.

Now Toronto CLEARLY don't know what they're missing. I suggest we go down to the headquarters and pelt them with water ballons filled with Dictator O's and milk. That way they'll think they're bleeding. And we can point. And laugh at them. And then point again.

It's a fool proof plan for getting hired!

Dr Zibbs said...

That's it. You're goin' in a pit.

Anonymous said...

Will there be pictures in the book?

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Clippy Mat: Thanks for your kind comments! Most of my inspiration comes from long showers. Apologies for causing lateness, though you know what they say: A good blog can make you late for work, a great blog can make you quit your job. I'm on my way, hopefully...

TIF: The CYOA cover came from And Now Toronto had their chance. I'm all about Toronto Eye Weekly.

Dr. Zibbs: I love you too, man!

Suze: There can be...

Mo said...

YeeHAW!!! I love feeling so included. I shall eagerly await the story of the magical foodstuff who scaled god's mountain o' butter, because I'm confident that my votes are more heavily weighted than anyone else's and my adventure will win. Wait, this is a contest, right? With prizes? And a duel?

katrocket said...

hahaha! funny stuff, IR.

That book cover is super precious.

steakbellie said...

'The Financial Advisors Amulate'
now I know why I havent been able to keep any cash in my pockets.

Falwless said...

I'm laughing at all the options.

You are awesome. Nay, awesome and brilliant.

And you really do have a fiancée! LOOK! She left a comment! I thought you were totally making that junk up.

Anonymous said...

Falwless: I know, it shocks everyone. I'm as surprised as you are that I'm not just a figment of his imagination.

BeckEye said...

Tits falling from the sky. This is gonna be good.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Mo: If you want a duel, you've got it! I've drawn you against Zibbs, good luck! (Oh, and don't be too disappointed if we end up writing about tits in the sky...)

Katrocket: I wish I could claim credit for the cover, but it's from the good people at There are some more out there, too.

Steakbellie: No kidding. And don't get me started on the hangover-rejecting jerkin.

Falwless: Why thank you, ma'am. And I'm as surprised as you are that she's not just a figment of my imagination.

TIF: Yeah, that.

Beckeye: That's the way it's going right now...